Author Mark Manson asks, “In what ways have you sacrificed your self-respect in favor of validation from others?” Mark Manson asks if you are sacrificing for this relationship to the point where you are allowing yourself to be disrespected? Self-esteem is very hard to get back once lost. In your current relationship, do you respect your partner and do they respect you? Do you share the same values? Is there trust and open communication where you listen to one another and feel safe communicating each others truth? Love isn’t a feeling it’s a decision. Romantic love feelings are unreliable. You might not feel loving on a particular day but once you decide to love your partner, you have made a love decision and your behavior is reliable and set. Physical attraction may fade over time and romantic love will ebb and flow. You and your partner have to make a love decision so that the relationship lasts the test of time in a healthy way where you both are elevated by being together.
Be Curious, Not Judgemental-American Poet Walt Whitman
Be a person that wants to learn about other people. Ask questions, don’t be fault finding. Stride to be a person that isn’t critical of others. Bullies are judgy people. Bullies aren’t interested in learning others stories and motivators. See this awesome scene from the TV Show Ted Lasso on how to be the Anti-bully by being curious.
When A Toxic Person Comes Into Your Space, Do You Notice All Of A Sudden You Are Out of Balance, Unsettled, Not Your Self And Trying To Compensate For This Person? There’s Nothing You Can Do To Make This Person Happy With You.
Avoid Toxic Relationships by recognizing Manipulation and Gaslighting. When someone’s words don’t match their action equals Manipulation. Refusing to be held accountable for those words or actions is Gaslighting. Recognize Toxic People: As Maya Angelou said, the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t talk yourself into unseeing what they showed you. If you allow the behavior to continue, it will continue. Be grateful that what is happening in your relationship, is trying to teach you something about finding your value in this world and not allowing others to steal your light.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. “- Robin Williams
One in 3 women and one in 4 men will experience an abusive relationship. It’s hard to know when you’re not in a good partnership. It’s easier to ignore the behavior of someone you have to “walk on egg shells” around. Abusers need to cut you down so they feel like they have elevated themselves above you so you won’t feel strong enough to leave them. Or they might try the strategy of love bombing you with “over the top” compliments or affection, they may cry and an” I love you” is used. How could someone who loves me want to hurt me, so you go back. These are Manipulation techniques along with telling you that “you’re crazy” or people that you hold dear are bad, is a common tactic of people who want to dominate you. Know the warning signs of abuse whether it be in a partner or family relationship. Do they prevent you from seeing some family members or friends? Are they a jerk with your friends but not their own? Do they control the finances or you do not fully understand their finances that may effect you? Do they use intimidation through their looks or actions to get you to do what they want? Do you argue when you tell them your feelings? Do they blame shift so you’re confused? Do they threaten to take away something you hold dear? One study indicated that abusers will harm their victim financially and/or legally 99% of the time so lean into what is really going on. Abuse is wanting power or control over another person. Abuse escalates over time. Your abuser may punch a hole in something. Throw things. Allows others to verbally abuse you. They don’t come to your defense. They call you names. Embarrass you in public. They’re jealous. Try to trap you into a relationship with them. Abuse is not just being beaten up. If you realize something has to change and you’re not being heard, see https://thehotline.org. Don’t confront your abuser. Instead call, text or chat for help with this person. See wannatalkaboutit.com. Netflix Limited Series “Maid” is a must watch. See signs of relationship abuse at joinonelove.org which include videos like one below, #ThatsNotLove. Remember, there’s something wrong with them and you can’t fix it.
Will My Silence Make Me Proud?
When you hear or see something that you know is not honoring you or someone else, it’s scary to speak up. Will you regret your silence? We can’t just accept the status quo and must overcome our fear when it is for the greater good. This awesome TED Talk by Luvvie Ajavi Jones talks about being kind in our words and actions to be brilliant even though others may not want you to be. Be brave and create “good trouble” when you know you are being thoughtful to your cause or the cause of another. At least you tried to be an “Upstander” even if you are ultimately dismissed.
Some People Will Never Like You Because Your Spirit Irritates Their Demons-Denzel Washington
Writer for The Washington Post, Carolyn Hax, recently replied to a question by stating, “None of us is without frailty. However, feeling ashamed of our frailties is a virtual invitation for predatory others to come help us feel worse, usually under the guise of trying to fix us. It would be more useful to learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them.” We want to attract responsible people to our lives by being responsible ourselves and learn to spot abusive behavior. “Own it” when you have made a mistake and feel guilty and learn to recognize when others aren’t owning their own bad behavior, don’t let them put that shame on you. Dr. Les Carter’s video outlines what responsible people do and don’t do. We want to grow to be a better person from the inside out, not punish and pummel others for our mistakes that we want to say others are responsible for. Grow in the direction of positive thoughts which brings positive actions and away from black and white thinking.
Rising Up With Grace and Love
Brene’ Brown in her book “Rising Strong” talks about telling our story, not denying it. Being brave to honestly tell your truth and recognizing, yes this is what happened and now I get to choose how my story ends, will be powerful for you. In this YouTube video Brene’ and Oprah talk about sharing your pain with those who have earned the right to hear your story and can carry the weight of it without judgement. Victims of abuse/bullying need to find that one person who will meet you with grace and love so you can share your burden. Carrying your pain alone is a dangerous emotional and physical place to be for victims. Conquer your fear and reach out for help to that one person who you know will have your back. Someday, when the storm passes, and it will, you will be grateful that you did.
Elder , Partner & Those With Disabilities Abuse
Many disabled people and those who are over age 60, are victims of abusive people. The many types of abuse that compromised or overly empathetic adults may face are physical, sexual, emotional, and financial. The abused adult may be denied assistance of the basic necessities of life by their child, grandchild or caregiver. A victim may not be receiving essential care and are being willfully denied assistance. The link that I have provided illustrate the signs of abuse and how to recognize neglect and financial exploitation. The site discusses reporting abuse, and what happens when a report is made. Protective measures can be put in place if an adult is incapable of protecting himself or herself. The Department on Aging number to report abuse is 1-866-800-1409. An additional assistance help line number is 1-800-252-8966. Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can psychologically or physically bully children and adults to injury or death. Find your courage to stand up for yourself or others who may be abused. See this short video on the 10 Red Flags of Abuse. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there – Will Rogers.
https://www2.illinois.gov/aging/engage/Pages/default.aspx