The fact that you have taken the time to learn more about overcoming being bullied, you know you matter. Don’t diminish what you do and your value to this world. Difficult times will come but they will pass and a brighter day will shine through. Focus on what you can control in your life and take steps each day to make the lives of others bright. A purpose in life, even small efforts each day to make someone else feel valued, will build your confidence in yourself. You’ve taken the first step today. Watch this amazing video by Hannah Grace Spangler and recognize you are not alone in your self doubt but you can overcome.
Validation is approval from others. Self-esteem is approval from yourself. Never sacrifice your self-esteem to gain validation. Validation is easily regained once lost. Self-esteem is not. -Mark Manson
Author Mark Manson asks, “In what ways have you sacrificed your self-respect in favor of validation from others?” Mark Manson asks if you are sacrificing for this relationship to the point where you are allowing yourself to be disrespected? Self-esteem is very hard to get back once lost. In your current relationship, do you respect your partner and do they respect you? Do you share the same values? Is there trust and open communication where you listen to one another and feel safe communicating each others truth? Love isn’t a feeling it’s a decision. Romantic love feelings are unreliable. You might not feel loving on a particular day but once you decide to love your partner, you have made a love decision and your behavior is reliable and set. Physical attraction may fade over time and romantic love will ebb and flow. You and your partner have to make a love decision so that the relationship lasts the test of time in a healthy way where you both are elevated by being together.
When A Toxic Person Comes Into Your Space, Do You Notice All Of A Sudden You Are Out of Balance, Unsettled, Not Your Self And Trying To Compensate For This Person? There’s Nothing You Can Do To Make This Person Happy With You.
Avoid Toxic Relationships by recognizing Manipulation and Gaslighting. When someone’s words don’t match their action equals Manipulation. Refusing to be held accountable for those words or actions is Gaslighting. Recognize Toxic People: As Maya Angelou said, the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t talk yourself into unseeing what they showed you. If you allow the behavior to continue, it will continue. Be grateful that what is happening in your relationship, is trying to teach you something about finding your value in this world and not allowing others to steal your light.
Hurt People, Hurt People. Be Unpredictable. Do Good To Those Who Mistreat You. Do You Want To Waste Your Energy On Someone You Don’t Like? You Don’t Get Ahead By Getting Even. At The End Of This Relationship, What Is The Story You Want To Tell? By: Andy Stanley
Will My Silence Make Me Proud?
When you hear or see something that you know is not honoring you or someone else, it’s scary to speak up. Will you regret your silence? We can’t just accept the status quo and must overcome our fear when it is for the greater good. This awesome TED Talk by Luvvie Ajavi Jones talks about being kind in our words and actions to be brilliant even though others may not want you to be. Be brave and create “good trouble” when you know you are being thoughtful to your cause or the cause of another. At least you tried to be an “Upstander” even if you are ultimately dismissed.
Some People Will Never Like You Because Your Spirit Irritates Their Demons-Denzel Washington
Writer for The Washington Post, Carolyn Hax, recently replied to a question by stating, “None of us is without frailty. However, feeling ashamed of our frailties is a virtual invitation for predatory others to come help us feel worse, usually under the guise of trying to fix us. It would be more useful to learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them.” We want to attract responsible people to our lives by being responsible ourselves and learn to spot abusive behavior. “Own it” when you have made a mistake and feel guilty and learn to recognize when others aren’t owning their own bad behavior, don’t let them put that shame on you. Dr. Les Carter’s video outlines what responsible people do and don’t do. We want to grow to be a better person from the inside out, not punish and pummel others for our mistakes that we want to say others are responsible for. Grow in the direction of positive thoughts which brings positive actions and away from black and white thinking.
Recognize the Bullies In Your Family and Then Learn To Focus on Your Brightness
In dealing with toxic people, we need to recognize what is going on with this person. Do they suffer from mental illness, insecurity, do they have an abusive personality trait, an addiction or gullible to their own abusers? Especially in the case of a family member that you deal with regularly, be aware of the bullies limitations. You will have a lifetime of misery if you expect a ton of empathy out of an ounce of a person. Acknowledge your cost of being in this relationship and decide if it is worth it. Control is not love. Be aware that as abusers lose control of you, their fear response escalates. What are they afraid of, being exposed so they cannot dominate you or others anymore? My first video from Dr. Grande on YouTube describes family member abuse and the second short video clips from OWN will help you say no to bullies in your life so your light can shine.
Co-dependent vs. Sociopathic Parent
Children of Malignant Narcissists or Co-dependents, may become Co-dependent or Narcissistic. Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Psychopathy are genetic but narcissism is learned. A Co-dependent parent is the helicopter parent. Rescuing their children, trying to control their environment & putting their child’s needs above their own. Some children then learn to disrespect themselves and others by feeling entitled to special treatment. Some also may lack confidence to be independent from their parent. A Sociopathic parent puts their needs above the child’s and controls them. The child learns their okay only if their parent is okay with them. Experts agree that children who are over indulged or neglected by a parent, are more likely to become narcissistic. A child of a Sociopath may have had to survive their environment. They knew they had to take care of themselves & were devalued. These children are told to numb their own feelings to take care of the parent’s needs. The co-dependent parent is praising & doing for the child too often. Admiring the superficial, such as their child’s appearance or status, teaches a poor value. Allowing a child to navigate their world’s challenges, along with clear boundaries, builds confidence, independence and respect. See Dr. Phil’s video on Fitness of a Parent.
10 Factors to Determine The Fitness of A Parent from Dr. Phil