When I read the painful lyrics to the Billie Eilish song “Everything I Wanted,” it helped me to understand that others also work out their bullying experiences through their dreams. When I shared a bullying experience that happened to me to an outsider, he replied, “that sounds like a nightmare.” This helped me see that the shame I was feeling over these events were not my responsibility. Shame is when something bad happens and you allow those feelings to define you and how you feel about yourself. I now try to practice empathy, especially with those that bully others. What is going on with this person? Why do they need to shame, control, and lie about people they find threatening? Their shame for their past actions or the shame that has been put on them by others, does not move the bully forward in life. It keeps them stuck in behaviors of the past that are not helpful. See this short TED Talk by June Tangney about the difference between guilt and shame to stop bullies from having you buy into bad feelings about yourself.
Do You Believe in Karma?
Author Charlie Mackesy quotes one of his characters as saying, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “Kind”, said the boy.” Kindness changes everything. Even without words, kindness tells others you see them, you want to hear and help them. Your individual energy that you give off everyday eventually effects society. Karma is tied to our past, present and future actions. If we spend our time being honest with ourselves on who we are, we can change and grow. Your thoughts create your words and then your actions. Positive thoughts bring positive words and actions to move you forward in life. If you choose values that are responsible, generous and kind, your actions will become habits and reveal who you really are. Don’t waste time comparing yourself to others. Be present in your daily life and make an effort to be better to others, which in turn will bring others goodness to you. See the video below “12 Laws of Karma That Will Change Your Life.”
Some People Will Never Like You Because Your Spirit Irritates Their Demons-Denzel Washington
Writer for The Washington Post, Carolyn Hax, recently replied to a question by stating, “None of us is without frailty. However, feeling ashamed of our frailties is a virtual invitation for predatory others to come help us feel worse, usually under the guise of trying to fix us. It would be more useful to learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them.” We want to attract responsible people to our lives by being responsible ourselves and learn to spot abusive behavior. “Own it” when you have made a mistake and feel guilty and learn to recognize when others aren’t owning their own bad behavior, don’t let them put that shame on you. Dr. Les Carter’s video outlines what responsible people do and don’t do. We want to grow to be a better person from the inside out, not punish and pummel others for our mistakes that we want to say others are responsible for. Grow in the direction of positive thoughts which brings positive actions and away from black and white thinking.
Our Life Is Now. Be Patient To Be The Person You Are Meant To Become By Overcoming Your Fear.
Brene Brown wrote the “Manifesto of The Brave and Brokenhearted ” which I love. It talks about overcoming failure and owning your story. If we don’t face our fears head on, they define our lives. By being honest with ourselves and others, we are finding our courage to rise up with compassion instead of being consumed with shame and disappointment. Our lives are now so we must live in the here and now. Be patient to be the person you are meant to become . Be brave to be your authentic self by not letting bullies dominate and control you. Hide no more, pretend no more by overcoming your fear of them with truth. See this great video on 5 Life Lessons People Often Learn Too Late.
It’s Easier To Fool People Than To Convince Them That They Have Been Fooled -Mark Twain
Bullies want to shame their victims by telling lies to keep the Narcissist/Sociopath from being judged negatively. Lying keeps their victim isolated. Bullies want power over others in a relationship. Bullies want to control how others perceive them. If the victim isn’t present to defend themselves, manipulative bullies can tell the same lie repeatedly until it becomes the easily duped truth. Don’t let a liar get inside you and weigh you down. Learn how to rise up without hiding so you can face your own truth and be your authentic self. By being grateful, practicing kindness and having positive, “I Will” thoughts, brings genuine, honest people into your life. Maybe there is someone already there for you to ease your suffering. Focus on the here and now to see them. See this short video on the 7 Traits of Honest People.
Recognize the Bullies In Your Family and Then Learn To Focus on Your Brightness
In dealing with toxic people, we need to recognize what is going on with this person. Do they suffer from mental illness, insecurity, do they have an abusive personality trait, an addiction or gullible to their own abusers? Especially in the case of a family member that you deal with regularly, be aware of the bullies limitations. You will have a lifetime of misery if you expect a ton of empathy out of an ounce of a person. Acknowledge your cost of being in this relationship and decide if it is worth it. Control is not love. Be aware that as abusers lose control of you, their fear response escalates. What are they afraid of, being exposed so they cannot dominate you or others anymore? My first video from Dr. Grande on YouTube describes family member abuse and the second short video clips from OWN will help you say no to bullies in your life so your light can shine.
Go Where You’re Celebrated, Not Where You’re Tolerated
On Quora, Charmaine G. posted, from Author Unknown, “To Stop Chasing People.”
If they block you, cut off contact, ignore you, let them go. Let the people who naturally gravitate towards you enjoy your energy. We spend so much time begging people to stay, proving your worth, clinging to them so that they won’t have room to leave. Cherish people who Want to talk to you, who Want to see you, who are there by Choice, and not there because you chased them every time they decided to bail on you.
I’ve also added a link posted by Wayne Hardy from author @noblenav on Quora about how a Malignant Narcissist/Sociopath can cause you to change.
https://www.quora.com/q/risingabovenarcissism/ti-15288477?ch=10&share=ffc0e7d1
Jodee Blanco, A Bullied Student & Her Lessons on Compassion at jodeeblanco.com
I met Jodee Blanco ten years ago at my child’s high school. Jodee provided a talk to students and parents about her own experiences as a bullied student. I watched Jodee confront a child who I was aware was an aggressor at my child’s school. I was grateful that she had an honest conversation with him as well as so many other children and adults that night. I realized as she spoke that I had been bullied at school and had also bullied others. Children who like and love themselves, do not bully. Jodee’s website at jodeeblanco.com provides strategies for both the bully and victims to find compassion as a defense against bullying. Jodee empowers parents to find new groups outside of school where their child victim can find new friends. Bullied children isolate themselves, Jodee gives strategies to have victims stop hiding by making the world a gentler one for them through action. Jodee’s book, Please Stop Laughing At Me, is an honest discussion on bullying which can keep so many from being harmed.
Rising Up With Grace and Love
Brene’ Brown in her book “Rising Strong” talks about telling our story, not denying it. Being brave to honestly tell your truth and recognizing, yes this is what happened and now I get to choose how my story ends, will be powerful for you. In this YouTube video Brene’ and Oprah talk about sharing your pain with those who have earned the right to hear your story and can carry the weight of it without judgement. Victims of abuse/bullying need to find that one person who will meet you with grace and love so you can share your burden. Carrying your pain alone is a dangerous emotional and physical place to be for victims. Conquer your fear and reach out for help to that one person who you know will have your back. Someday, when the storm passes, and it will, you will be grateful that you did.
Do Good, Feel Good
This morning I read an amazing article by Author Gretchen Rubin about the value of being kind. Her words, “do good, feel good” are so profound. I remember the times in my life when I have not been kind and those memories nag at me, make me feel less good about myself. I make an effort to be kind, remembering times in life when actions of kindness by someone else lifted me up on difficult days. Kindness is contagious. Giving someone a genuine smile, helping a neighbor or stranger even in the smallest of ways, inspires others to do the same. Especially during a dark period, being kind to someone else will be the first step in saving yourself. Changing our behavior to be compassionate at every opportunity, helps us be more compassionate with ourselves. See this great video from Steve Hartman in his Kindness 101 Series about Compassion and being the Anti-Bully.