Category: Bullies

When you are consumed with trying to understand & please others who are abusing you, your life cannot change. I never thought I would be thankful that my abusers made a public display of their bullying, where I was humiliated and devastated at a vulnerable moment. It caused another to confront me on the reality of my situation, which I had been denying. I was told how to become safe and focus on changing my reactions to abuse. 1. PLAN: Found a job, found an apartment, then told people I could trust where I was located. 2. POSITIVE: I put pictures and items on display where I felt proud & had succeeded in my past. 3. PAT SELF ON THE BACK: Each morn I got out of bed, then went for a walk/run, showered & dressed, got in my car to go to work, got out of my car & went into work, repeat daily. Initially, each action was monumental but eventually became easier by praising myself after each small accomplishment. Being away from my abusers and having to focus on something else, led me to see how long I had been living a self destructive life. I am grateful now that the breakdown occurred so that I could finally see my truth and change my life. See this short video on embracing a breakdown to get well. When you come out the other side, you will have grown & surviving finally becomes a better alternative than your destruction.

Paramahansa Yogananda said, “Some people want to be tall by cutting the heads off others.” If a child is raised in a household where they feel powerless and controlled, that child goes to school feeling insecure. Insecure children bully/are bullied. Children who witness family members acting entitled by disrespecting or dismissing others, learn how to abuse others or feel powerless, depending on the child’s personality traits. Confidence in children is gained by teaching a child to be grateful. Teach children to be empathetic by talking to a child about how they would feel in someone else’s shoes in a given situation. Discussing how an action by a child made you feel and how did that make your child feel. Helping others and standing up for themselves respectfully, builds self esteem. Teaching a child to have a positive thought about a negative situation, builds patience and understanding. Expressing that no one is superior over anyone else and everyone deserves respect, prevents negative behavior.

An Upstander is a person who speaks up & stands up for themselves or others when faced with a bully. Whether a teen or adult, bullies use similar tactics to elevate themselves by rejecting someone else. Relational bullying is manifested through excluding someone by means of spreading rumors so the victim is isolated. A Hate Incident is an act that goes against a policy; such as racial or homophobic slurs of LGBTQ community, but does not arrive to the level of a crime. Your first step is to identify that the bully is trying to harm by manipulating & controlling others because there is something wrong with them. Finding one person to listen and support you, is your best defense if you cannot avoid your abuser. The one person who “has your back” might be difficult for you to recognize when you are overwhelmed with emotional pain. Find your Upstander, is it a relative, friend, guidance counselor, health professional? Don’t stay silent since as Confucius said, Where ever you go, there you are. There is no way to escape yourself. Being a highly sensitive person, abusers will find you. Find a strategy to support yourself and find happiness.

To be the Anti-Bully, we need to recognize the emotional triggers that create poor communication. Reviewing Mel Robbins 5 second rule, is a great resource when you are feeling the need to fight or flee a difficult talk. Co-dependents use the flight/passive strategy of communication. We believe we’re not okay unless the other person is okay. Bullies use the fight/aggressive strategy when having an emotionally triggered talk. An example is they’re cutoff in traffic. Instead of counting down from 5 before reacting, they lash out verbally/fight. They think, “I’m okay, you’re not.” The most effective communication technique is the Assertive, “I’m okay, you’re okay.” The Assertive strategy is when you are respectful, even if you disagree with a person. You are in emotional control. When you are in fight/flight mode, your communication is ineffective. Having empathy, “I hear you, I understand what you’re saying, I get that,” puts the other person at ease. You respect them. People are more open to your thoughts if they feel they are heard, not dismissed, you are trying to understand how they feel even if you disagree. The 5 second rule, and changing your thought when you hear a tone, word or event which sets off an emotional trigger, works. When cutoff in traffic, after 5 second countdown think “maybe they’re headed to an emergency,” is a healthier thought for you, than an angry reaction. See Communication worksheet for help.

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/communication.htm

If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass. -Warren Buffett Are you allowing Facebook bullies to abuse you? If you are feeling negative emotions when you view Facebook, recognize it and do something else that makes you feel good. Tuning into positive mindful thoughts and finding something you can be thankful for each day, is a healthier choice. Choose to do things in your life that help you. See this link on bullying help. https://www.mhanational.org/sites/default/files/BACK%20TO%20SCHOOL%202014%20-%20What%20To%20Do%20If%20You%20Are%20Being%20Bullied.pdf