Author Mark Manson asks, “In what ways have you sacrificed your self-respect in favor of validation from others?” Mark Manson asks if you are sacrificing for this relationship to the point where you are allowing yourself to be disrespected? Self-esteem is very hard to get back once lost. In your current relationship, do you respect your partner and do they respect you? Do you share the same values? Is there trust and open communication where you listen to one another and feel safe communicating each others truth? Love isn’t a feeling it’s a decision. Romantic love feelings are unreliable. You might not feel loving on a particular day but once you decide to love your partner, you have made a love decision and your behavior is reliable and set. Physical attraction may fade over time and romantic love will ebb and flow. You and your partner have to make a love decision so that the relationship lasts the test of time in a healthy way where you both are elevated by being together.
I Think Ageing Is An Extraordinary Process Whereby You Become The Person You Always Should’ve Been-David Bowie
How do we go from feeling powerless in life to feeling powerful? How do we learn to believe in ourselves and gain confidence? How do we not let others define us and bring us down? How do we find the courage to be our true selves? Emily Jaenson’s TEDxTALK describes the steps she took to increase her confidence and be the anti-bully by celebrating others successes and growth as well as her own.
When A Toxic Person Comes Into Your Space, Do You Notice All Of A Sudden You Are Out of Balance, Unsettled, Not Your Self And Trying To Compensate For This Person? There’s Nothing You Can Do To Make This Person Happy With You.
Avoid Toxic Relationships by recognizing Manipulation and Gaslighting. When someone’s words don’t match their action equals Manipulation. Refusing to be held accountable for those words or actions is Gaslighting. Recognize Toxic People: As Maya Angelou said, the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t talk yourself into unseeing what they showed you. If you allow the behavior to continue, it will continue. Be grateful that what is happening in your relationship, is trying to teach you something about finding your value in this world and not allowing others to steal your light.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. “- Robin Williams
One in 3 women and one in 4 men will experience an abusive relationship. It’s hard to know when you’re not in a good partnership. It’s easier to ignore the behavior of someone you have to “walk on egg shells” around. Abusers need to cut you down so they feel like they have elevated themselves above you so you won’t feel strong enough to leave them. Or they might try the strategy of love bombing you with “over the top” compliments or affection, they may cry and an” I love you” is used. How could someone who loves me want to hurt me, so you go back. These are Manipulation techniques along with telling you that “you’re crazy” or people that you hold dear are bad, is a common tactic of people who want to dominate you. Know the warning signs of abuse whether it be in a partner or family relationship. Do they prevent you from seeing some family members or friends? Are they a jerk with your friends but not their own? Do they control the finances or you do not fully understand their finances that may effect you? Do they use intimidation through their looks or actions to get you to do what they want? Do you argue when you tell them your feelings? Do they blame shift so you’re confused? Do they threaten to take away something you hold dear? One study indicated that abusers will harm their victim financially and/or legally 99% of the time so lean into what is really going on. Abuse is wanting power or control over another person. Abuse escalates over time. Your abuser may punch a hole in something. Throw things. Allows others to verbally abuse you. They don’t come to your defense. They call you names. Embarrass you in public. They’re jealous. Try to trap you into a relationship with them. Abuse is not just being beaten up. If you realize something has to change and you’re not being heard, see https://thehotline.org. Don’t confront your abuser. Instead call, text or chat for help with this person. See wannatalkaboutit.com. Netflix Limited Series “Maid” is a must watch. See signs of relationship abuse at joinonelove.org which include videos like one below, #ThatsNotLove. Remember, there’s something wrong with them and you can’t fix it.
It’s Easier To Fool People Than To Convince Them That They Have Been Fooled -Mark Twain
Bullies want to shame their victims by telling lies to keep the Narcissist/Sociopath from being judged negatively. Lying keeps their victim isolated. Bullies want power over others in a relationship. Bullies want to control how others perceive them. If the victim isn’t present to defend themselves, manipulative bullies can tell the same lie repeatedly until it becomes the easily duped truth. Don’t let a liar get inside you and weigh you down. Learn how to rise up without hiding so you can face your own truth and be your authentic self. By being grateful, practicing kindness and having positive, “I Will” thoughts, brings genuine, honest people into your life. Maybe there is someone already there for you to ease your suffering. Focus on the here and now to see them. See this short video on the 7 Traits of Honest People.
Gaslighters Are Not Listening To You
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.“ -James Baldwin. Gaslighting is emotional abuse where the insecure abuser is either telling you that something never happened/wasn’t said or they deflect by changing the subject. Both of these actions minimize your feelings and confuse you to keep the ego of the Narcissist in tact. Abusers have a fragile sense of self so they need to end the conversation when a victim is saying that an abuser made a mistake or there is something wrong with their behavior. It’s important for victims to recognize when Gaslighting occurs and realize that the abuser is not listening to you, they are protecting them self. It is our actions during difficult times that are a witness to our character. See this great video on identifying Gaslighting by Dr. Ramani.
Gaslighting To Manipulate You
Gaslighting is mind control used by abusers to have you question reality. It is subtle, happens slowly over time. Most people recognize this tactic by cult leaders and dictators but it is commonly used by less obvious abusers. Some gaslighters learn the technique from a parent. Gaslighting may be used by a parent to keep a child quiet about abuse/neglect at home. If you feel guilt about things that aren’t your fault & are being isolated from family & friends equals gaslighting. Listen for clues, “I didn’t say that,” “You’re too sensitive,” “You just saw your friend, stay home,” “Your mother really has a problem with me.” Gaslighters tell you others are out to get them & they are competitive with people. If you know there will be pay back for not obeying them, you are being gaslighted. See this short video on the 10 Signs You Are Being Manipulated.
Gaslighting: Mentally Destructive Psychological Abuse
If you are a highly empathetic, passive person and have a hard time standing up for yourself, you will be more vulnerable to Gaslighting. Sociopaths/Malignant Narcissists use this strategy over time to control people. When you wish you had recorded the conversation to determine if what you heard, was actually what was said, equals Gaslighting. Abusers want you to question your own reality, to put the blame on you for their bad behavior. If they have no empathy for others, they instead project that on to you, that you don’t have empathy. The most common phrases I have heard from abusers, “I didn’t say that, why would I say that,” “I was just kidding,” “You’re crazy, too over-sensitive,” “You’re the martyr.” They lie so you don’t realize you’re being brainwashed and controlled. Abusers do this slowly, over time as seen by Cult Leaders and Dictators. Abusers also lie to get people against you. If you’re not a liar, difficult for you to understand why someone would make up stories about someone else. Abusers care about how they appear to others so look at their actions, not their words. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting?eml