It is in the small things we see it, the child’s first step, as awesome as an earthquake. The first time you rode a bike wallowing up the sidewalk. The first spanking when your heart went on a journey all alone. When they called you cry baby or poor or fatty or crazy and made you into an an alien. You drank their acid and concealed it. Later if you faced the death of bombs and bullets, you did not do it with a banner, you did it with only a hat to cover your heart. You did not fondle the weakness inside you though it was there. Your courage was a small coal you kept swallowing. If your buddy saved you and died himself in so doing, then his courage was not courage it was love; love as simple as shaving soap. Later, if you have endured great despair then you did it alone, getting a transfusion from the fire, picking the scabs off your heart. Then wringing it out like a sock. Next my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow, you gave it a back rub and then covered it with a blanket and after it had slept a while it woke to the wings of the roses and was transformed. Later, when you face old age and its natural conclusion your courage will still be shown in the little ways, each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen, those you love will live in a fever of love, and you’ll bargain with the calendar and at the last moment when death opens the back door you’ll put on your carpet slippers and stride out.
When A Bully Can No Longer Control You, They Will Instead Try To Control How Others See You
Have you ever had the bully in your life welcome a new person into their group? You’re confused, why are they acting all nice to this new person when they are so unkind to you. They’re holding this person’s hand, that’s weird. It’s manipulation, trying to get others on their side. He’s so nice to new people, he couldn’t really be a bully with a plan. The plan is to confuse the bully’s victims. Innocent and kind people are not stupid. They just think everyone has a good heart. Whether the bully is mean to you behind closed doors or right out in the open, they gain power by getting others on their side. Behind your back, the bully will try to change people’s minds about you. They will tell lies about you or mock you in front of people they are trying to control. Others are afraid of the bully or buy into their fake disguise, so they won’t come to your defense. You can’t control others behavior or how other people feel. You can only change YOUR reaction to negative thoughts which is called Cognitive Defusion. An example, I’m having the thought that the Bully is making me feel like a loser. Just because I’m thinking that thought doesn’t mean that it is true. Instead, think the thought, “what would a kind friend say about me” so that you buy into a good thought about yourself not the thought the bully is trying to put on you. See this video from Therapy in a Nutshell titled, “Intrusive Thoughts and Overthinking: The Skill of Cognitive Fusion 20/30” to learn how to stop getting stuck in negative thoughts about yourself.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. “- Robin Williams
One in 3 women and one in 4 men will experience an abusive relationship. It’s hard to know when you’re not in a good partnership. It’s easier to ignore the behavior of someone you have to “walk on egg shells” around. Abusers need to cut you down so they feel like they have elevated themselves above you so you won’t feel strong enough to leave them. Or they might try the strategy of love bombing you with “over the top” compliments or affection, they may cry and an” I love you” is used. How could someone who loves me want to hurt me, so you go back. These are Manipulation techniques along with telling you that “you’re crazy” or people that you hold dear are bad, is a common tactic of people who want to dominate you. Know the warning signs of abuse whether it be in a partner or family relationship. Do they prevent you from seeing some family members or friends? Are they a jerk with your friends but not their own? Do they control the finances or you do not fully understand their finances that may effect you? Do they use intimidation through their looks or actions to get you to do what they want? Do you argue when you tell them your feelings? Do they blame shift so you’re confused? Do they threaten to take away something you hold dear? One study indicated that abusers will harm their victim financially and/or legally 99% of the time so lean into what is really going on. Abuse is wanting power or control over another person. Abuse escalates over time. Your abuser may punch a hole in something. Throw things. Allows others to verbally abuse you. They don’t come to your defense. They call you names. Embarrass you in public. They’re jealous. Try to trap you into a relationship with them. Abuse is not just being beaten up. If you realize something has to change and you’re not being heard, see https://thehotline.org. Don’t confront your abuser. Instead call, text or chat for help with this person. See wannatalkaboutit.com. Netflix Limited Series “Maid” is a must watch. See signs of relationship abuse at joinonelove.org which include videos like one below, #ThatsNotLove. Remember, there’s something wrong with them and you can’t fix it.
Some People Will Never Like You Because Your Spirit Irritates Their Demons-Denzel Washington
Writer for The Washington Post, Carolyn Hax, recently replied to a question by stating, “None of us is without frailty. However, feeling ashamed of our frailties is a virtual invitation for predatory others to come help us feel worse, usually under the guise of trying to fix us. It would be more useful to learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them.” We want to attract responsible people to our lives by being responsible ourselves and learn to spot abusive behavior. “Own it” when you have made a mistake and feel guilty and learn to recognize when others aren’t owning their own bad behavior, don’t let them put that shame on you. Dr. Les Carter’s video outlines what responsible people do and don’t do. We want to grow to be a better person from the inside out, not punish and pummel others for our mistakes that we want to say others are responsible for. Grow in the direction of positive thoughts which brings positive actions and away from black and white thinking.
Go Where You’re Celebrated, Not Where You’re Tolerated
On Quora, Charmaine G. posted, from Author Unknown, “To Stop Chasing People.”
If they block you, cut off contact, ignore you, let them go. Let the people who naturally gravitate towards you enjoy your energy. We spend so much time begging people to stay, proving your worth, clinging to them so that they won’t have room to leave. Cherish people who Want to talk to you, who Want to see you, who are there by Choice, and not there because you chased them every time they decided to bail on you.
I’ve also added a link posted by Wayne Hardy from author @noblenav on Quora about how a Malignant Narcissist/Sociopath can cause you to change.
https://www.quora.com/q/risingabovenarcissism/ti-15288477?ch=10&share=ffc0e7d1
Bullies at Work
Both Narcissists and Sociopaths show up in all lines of work. Sociopaths are narcissistic but not all Narcissists are Sociopaths. Meetings & office parties like a Narcissist since they keep the conversation going, they’re loud. They talk about themselves & like to use mute during conference calls to control conversation. Narcs are unaware how their unintentional bullying is effecting others, so relationships end badly. Narcs feel like a victim at work when actions aren’t appreciated due to their poor emotional skills. A Sociopath wants to win at work, so they are cunning and long game strategic. A Sociopath may exclude a target from a meeting. Use manipulation to get out of work, lie and thwart others to get what they want at work. Sociopaths are aware of their desire to have power and win over others. See Dr. Ramani Medcircle.com video on the difference.
Empathy vs. Entitlement
The hallmark traits of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Sociopaths are they lack empathy for others and feel entitled. Empathy is the desire to understand emotions of someone else, to respond to that person and then be self reflective. How will this person feel if I say or do that? An entitled person believes they deserve special treatment and are arrogant about it. Obvious examples are when abusers are in restaurants and they are rude to wait staff or they are a guest in someone’s home and expect special meals. They see themselves as superior over others so they make unreasonable demands on you , expecting you to put everything aside to meet their needs. They will not be satisfied no matter how hard you try because they lack empathy by dismissing your feelings and needs. See this short video on 6 Signs of A Toxic Person In Your Life.