Have you ever had the bully in your life welcome a new person into their group? You’re confused, why are they acting all nice to this new person when they are so unkind to you. They’re holding this person’s hand, that’s weird. It’s manipulation, trying to get others on their side. He’s so nice to new people, he couldn’t really be a bully with a plan. The plan is to confuse the bully’s victims. Innocent and kind people are not stupid. They just think everyone has a good heart. Whether the bully is mean to you behind closed doors or right out in the open, they gain power by getting others on their side. Behind your back, the bully will try to change people’s minds about you. They will tell lies about you or mock you in front of people they are trying to control. Others are afraid of the bully or buy into their fake disguise, so they won’t come to your defense. You can’t control others behavior or how other people feel. You can only change YOUR reaction to negative thoughts which is called Cognitive Defusion. An example, I’m having the thought that the Bully is making me feel like a loser. Just because I’m thinking that thought doesn’t mean that it is true. Instead, think the thought, “what would a kind friend say about me” so that you buy into a good thought about yourself not the thought the bully is trying to put on you. See this video from Therapy in a Nutshell titled, “Intrusive Thoughts and Overthinking: The Skill of Cognitive Fusion 20/30” to learn how to stop getting stuck in negative thoughts about yourself.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. “- Robin Williams
One in 3 women and one in 4 men will experience an abusive relationship. It’s hard to know when you’re not in a good partnership. It’s easier to ignore the behavior of someone you have to “walk on egg shells” around. Abusers need to cut you down so they feel like they have elevated themselves above you so you won’t feel strong enough to leave them. Or they might try the strategy of love bombing you with “over the top” compliments or affection, they may cry and an” I love you” is used. How could someone who loves me want to hurt me, so you go back. These are Manipulation techniques along with telling you that “you’re crazy” or people that you hold dear are bad, is a common tactic of people who want to dominate you. Know the warning signs of abuse whether it be in a partner or family relationship. Do they prevent you from seeing some family members or friends? Are they a jerk with your friends but not their own? Do they control the finances or you do not fully understand their finances that may effect you? Do they use intimidation through their looks or actions to get you to do what they want? Do you argue when you tell them your feelings? Do they blame shift so you’re confused? Do they threaten to take away something you hold dear? One study indicated that abusers will harm their victim financially and/or legally 99% of the time so lean into what is really going on. Abuse is wanting power or control over another person. Abuse escalates over time. Your abuser may punch a hole in something. Throw things. Allows others to verbally abuse you. They don’t come to your defense. They call you names. Embarrass you in public. They’re jealous. Try to trap you into a relationship with them. Abuse is not just being beaten up. If you realize something has to change and you’re not being heard, see https://thehotline.org. Don’t confront your abuser. Instead call, text or chat for help with this person. See wannatalkaboutit.com. Netflix Limited Series “Maid” is a must watch. See signs of relationship abuse at joinonelove.org which include videos like one below, #ThatsNotLove. Remember, there’s something wrong with them and you can’t fix it.
See The Bully As An Opportunity For You to Grow Your Resilience Muscle and Reframe Situation
Heather R. Younger wrote an article about the power of reframing our current situation to see the brighter side. Reframe is to see a situation in a new way that is more positive for us. If the bully is rejecting you, making you feel smaller by being unheard and unimportant, see this challenge as an opportunity to grow and become larger and more confident. By building your confidence in yourself, by taking actions that will make you feel stronger against the bully, you will “reframe” your current situation and grow your resilience muscle. Kirk Duncan’s video gives specific action you can take on How To Stop Someone From Bullying You.
Do You Believe in Karma?
Author Charlie Mackesy quotes one of his characters as saying, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “Kind”, said the boy.” Kindness changes everything. Even without words, kindness tells others you see them, you want to hear and help them. Your individual energy that you give off everyday eventually effects society. Karma is tied to our past, present and future actions. If we spend our time being honest with ourselves on who we are, we can change and grow. Your thoughts create your words and then your actions. Positive thoughts bring positive words and actions to move you forward in life. If you choose values that are responsible, generous and kind, your actions will become habits and reveal who you really are. Don’t waste time comparing yourself to others. Be present in your daily life and make an effort to be better to others, which in turn will bring others goodness to you. See the video below “12 Laws of Karma That Will Change Your Life.”
Some People Will Never Like You Because Your Spirit Irritates Their Demons-Denzel Washington
Writer for The Washington Post, Carolyn Hax, recently replied to a question by stating, “None of us is without frailty. However, feeling ashamed of our frailties is a virtual invitation for predatory others to come help us feel worse, usually under the guise of trying to fix us. It would be more useful to learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them.” We want to attract responsible people to our lives by being responsible ourselves and learn to spot abusive behavior. “Own it” when you have made a mistake and feel guilty and learn to recognize when others aren’t owning their own bad behavior, don’t let them put that shame on you. Dr. Les Carter’s video outlines what responsible people do and don’t do. We want to grow to be a better person from the inside out, not punish and pummel others for our mistakes that we want to say others are responsible for. Grow in the direction of positive thoughts which brings positive actions and away from black and white thinking.
Our Life Is Now. Be Patient To Be The Person You Are Meant To Become By Overcoming Your Fear.
Brene Brown wrote the “Manifesto of The Brave and Brokenhearted ” which I love. It talks about overcoming failure and owning your story. If we don’t face our fears head on, they define our lives. By being honest with ourselves and others, we are finding our courage to rise up with compassion instead of being consumed with shame and disappointment. Our lives are now so we must live in the here and now. Be patient to be the person you are meant to become . Be brave to be your authentic self by not letting bullies dominate and control you. Hide no more, pretend no more by overcoming your fear of them with truth. See this great video on 5 Life Lessons People Often Learn Too Late.
It’s Easier To Fool People Than To Convince Them That They Have Been Fooled -Mark Twain
Bullies want to shame their victims by telling lies to keep the Narcissist/Sociopath from being judged negatively. Lying keeps their victim isolated. Bullies want power over others in a relationship. Bullies want to control how others perceive them. If the victim isn’t present to defend themselves, manipulative bullies can tell the same lie repeatedly until it becomes the easily duped truth. Don’t let a liar get inside you and weigh you down. Learn how to rise up without hiding so you can face your own truth and be your authentic self. By being grateful, practicing kindness and having positive, “I Will” thoughts, brings genuine, honest people into your life. Maybe there is someone already there for you to ease your suffering. Focus on the here and now to see them. See this short video on the 7 Traits of Honest People.
Recognize the Bullies In Your Family and Then Learn To Focus on Your Brightness
In dealing with toxic people, we need to recognize what is going on with this person. Do they suffer from mental illness, insecurity, do they have an abusive personality trait, an addiction or gullible to their own abusers? Especially in the case of a family member that you deal with regularly, be aware of the bullies limitations. You will have a lifetime of misery if you expect a ton of empathy out of an ounce of a person. Acknowledge your cost of being in this relationship and decide if it is worth it. Control is not love. Be aware that as abusers lose control of you, their fear response escalates. What are they afraid of, being exposed so they cannot dominate you or others anymore? My first video from Dr. Grande on YouTube describes family member abuse and the second short video clips from OWN will help you say no to bullies in your life so your light can shine.
Go Where You’re Celebrated, Not Where You’re Tolerated
On Quora, Charmaine G. posted, from Author Unknown, “To Stop Chasing People.”
If they block you, cut off contact, ignore you, let them go. Let the people who naturally gravitate towards you enjoy your energy. We spend so much time begging people to stay, proving your worth, clinging to them so that they won’t have room to leave. Cherish people who Want to talk to you, who Want to see you, who are there by Choice, and not there because you chased them every time they decided to bail on you.
I’ve also added a link posted by Wayne Hardy from author @noblenav on Quora about how a Malignant Narcissist/Sociopath can cause you to change.
https://www.quora.com/q/risingabovenarcissism/ti-15288477?ch=10&share=ffc0e7d1
Jodee Blanco, A Bullied Student & Her Lessons on Compassion at jodeeblanco.com
I met Jodee Blanco ten years ago at my child’s high school. Jodee provided a talk to students and parents about her own experiences as a bullied student. I watched Jodee confront a child who I was aware was an aggressor at my child’s school. I was grateful that she had an honest conversation with him as well as so many other children and adults that night. I realized as she spoke that I had been bullied at school and had also bullied others. Children who like and love themselves, do not bully. Jodee’s website at jodeeblanco.com provides strategies for both the bully and victims to find compassion as a defense against bullying. Jodee empowers parents to find new groups outside of school where their child victim can find new friends. Bullied children isolate themselves, Jodee gives strategies to have victims stop hiding by making the world a gentler one for them through action. Jodee’s book, Please Stop Laughing At Me, is an honest discussion on bullying which can keep so many from being harmed.