Bullies want to shame their victims by telling lies to keep the Narcissist/Sociopath from being judged negatively. Lying keeps their victim isolated. Bullies want power over others in a relationship. Bullies want to control how others perceive them. If the victim isn’t present to defend themselves, manipulative bullies can tell the same lie repeatedly until it becomes the easily duped truth. Don’t let a liar get inside you and weigh you down. Learn how to rise up without hiding so you can face your own truth and be your authentic self. By being grateful, practicing kindness and having positive, “I Will” thoughts, brings genuine, honest people into your life. Maybe there is someone already there for you to ease your suffering. Focus on the here and now to see them. See this short video on the 7 Traits of Honest People.
Recognize the Bullies In Your Family and Then Learn To Focus on Your Brightness
In dealing with toxic people, we need to recognize what is going on with this person. Do they suffer from mental illness, insecurity, do they have an abusive personality trait, an addiction or gullible to their own abusers? Especially in the case of a family member that you deal with regularly, be aware of the bullies limitations. You will have a lifetime of misery if you expect a ton of empathy out of an ounce of a person. Acknowledge your cost of being in this relationship and decide if it is worth it. Control is not love. Be aware that as abusers lose control of you, their fear response escalates. What are they afraid of, being exposed so they cannot dominate you or others anymore? My first video from Dr. Grande on YouTube describes family member abuse and the second short video clips from OWN will help you say no to bullies in your life so your light can shine.
Go Where You’re Celebrated, Not Where You’re Tolerated
On Quora, Charmaine G. posted, from Author Unknown, “To Stop Chasing People.”
If they block you, cut off contact, ignore you, let them go. Let the people who naturally gravitate towards you enjoy your energy. We spend so much time begging people to stay, proving your worth, clinging to them so that they won’t have room to leave. Cherish people who Want to talk to you, who Want to see you, who are there by Choice, and not there because you chased them every time they decided to bail on you.
I’ve also added a link posted by Wayne Hardy from author @noblenav on Quora about how a Malignant Narcissist/Sociopath can cause you to change.
https://www.quora.com/q/risingabovenarcissism/ti-15288477?ch=10&share=ffc0e7d1
Jodee Blanco, A Bullied Student & Her Lessons on Compassion at jodeeblanco.com
I met Jodee Blanco ten years ago at my child’s high school. Jodee provided a talk to students and parents about her own experiences as a bullied student. I watched Jodee confront a child who I was aware was an aggressor at my child’s school. I was grateful that she had an honest conversation with him as well as so many other children and adults that night. I realized as she spoke that I had been bullied at school and had also bullied others. Children who like and love themselves, do not bully. Jodee’s website at jodeeblanco.com provides strategies for both the bully and victims to find compassion as a defense against bullying. Jodee empowers parents to find new groups outside of school where their child victim can find new friends. Bullied children isolate themselves, Jodee gives strategies to have victims stop hiding by making the world a gentler one for them through action. Jodee’s book, Please Stop Laughing At Me, is an honest discussion on bullying which can keep so many from being harmed.
Rising Up With Grace and Love
Brene’ Brown in her book “Rising Strong” talks about telling our story, not denying it. Being brave to honestly tell your truth and recognizing, yes this is what happened and now I get to choose how my story ends, will be powerful for you. In this YouTube video Brene’ and Oprah talk about sharing your pain with those who have earned the right to hear your story and can carry the weight of it without judgement. Victims of abuse/bullying need to find that one person who will meet you with grace and love so you can share your burden. Carrying your pain alone is a dangerous emotional and physical place to be for victims. Conquer your fear and reach out for help to that one person who you know will have your back. Someday, when the storm passes, and it will, you will be grateful that you did.
Once You Lose Your Fear, You’re Free- John Lewis
Success in life comes not from holding a good hand but in playing a poor hand well. -Dennis Waitley. When you realize your abuser follows a predictable pattern, you can take steps forward to love yourself instead of being pulled back into their abuse cycle. Bullies/Abusers find victims, someone to control and blame for their bad behavior and life outcomes. Pattern is the same: are nice to pull you in, eventually verbally & possibly physical abuse occurs, then silent treatment. Abusers are just nice enough to keep you under their control. When the day comes that you are no longer afraid to tell your story and stand up for yourself respectively with bullies, you’ll feel free to love &care for yourself. History repeats itself with abusers because there is something wrong with them. Remember how you felt at an event that triggered their anger. Even if you can’t remember exactly what was said, remember that you felt less powerful and less in control of your own life. Abusers want power over you. People who side with your abuser and shift blame on to you, are no different than your abuser, there is something wrong with them. See this great Ted.com talk on how to love yourself and others.
Finding Your Wise Mind
Co-dependents use flight(exit conversation) strategy in arguments whereas abusers use fight(dominating conversation) strategy. Allowing our emotional thoughts to take over our rational thoughts creates destructive behavior. To find your Wise Mind, first recognize your Emotional thought. That is your personal interpretation of an event. Emotionally, how were you feeling? Then look to your Rational thought. Based on factual evidence, was this thought reasonable and what should I do now? To find your ultimate Wise Mind, think what will the consequence of this reaction be? What is the best response for me, for others, for the situation? See the attached worksheet to work out a past event and see this short video on the dangers of being a “people pleaser”. Taking hold of your Wise Mind, by recognizing your emotions and are they rational, will help you better stand up for yourself during conflict and stop people pleasing behaviors.
https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk//wisemind.htm
Is Your Relationship Co-Dependent?
Do you feel like you have to share the same opinions with someone else to keep peace? Do you walk on egg shells? Do you avoid speaking up when you feel controlled? Do you feel guilt when thinking about doing things for yourself? Is there someone in your life who is shaming and critical of you if you don’t meet their demands? Children who are raised by a Narcissistic parent, grow up choosing relationships that are conditional. They believe others care for them if they meet certain criteria. They are trying to accomplish what it takes to feel worthy and may become narcissistic themselves. Those who don’t feel confident in their self worth, choose relationships with abusive people. See this MedCircle video on recognizing the behaviors of those raised by Narcissists & how to overcome by seeking out an emotionally healthy person who has your back. Some people won’t love you no matter what you do. Some people won’t stop loving you, no matter what you do. Go where the love is. -Eleanor Brownn
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201609/6-signs-codependent-relationship?eml
Find Your Courage
Taking action to feel powerful in your life, will not be easy. Denying your feelings of shame, guilt and fear are consuming. If you step away from the emotional blackmail you are experiencing, find a safe place of support, you can become a survivor of the abusive people in your life. Know that you matter even if you have been treated like you’re inferior. Know everyone deserves to be respected and find your courage to be imperfect and compassionate to yourself. Don’t refuse to see how bad something is until it destroys you. Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I re-built my life. -JK Rowling See this great Ted Talk on Resiliency by Lucy Hone.
Self Esteem=Act Helpful and Be Thankful
Studies show, that people who have the most happiness, choose to be happy through their thoughts and then actions. Self esteem comes from esteem acts. Helping and connecting with someone else, will help you feel more positive. Identifying opportunities where you can grow by being vulnerable is crucial to moving past a challenging situation. Put yourself out there. Do something that isn’t comfortable, that you might not be good at, you will remember was a time of self-esteem building in you. Each day focusing on something that you are thankful for is powerful. Neil Pasricha’s Ted Talk is an awesome video on being your authentic self and focusing on the positive.