Brene’ Brown in her book “Rising Strong” talks about telling our story, not denying it. Being brave to honestly tell your truth and recognizing, yes this is what happened and now I get to choose how my story ends, will be powerful for you. In this YouTube video Brene’ and Oprah talk about sharing your pain with those who have earned the right to hear your story and can carry the weight of it without judgement. Victims of abuse/bullying need to find that one person who will meet you with grace and love so you can share your burden. Carrying your pain alone is a dangerous emotional and physical place to be for victims. Conquer your fear and reach out for help to that one person who you know will have your back. Someday, when the storm passes, and it will, you will be grateful that you did.
Once You Lose Your Fear, You’re Free- John Lewis
Success in life comes not from holding a good hand but in playing a poor hand well. -Dennis Waitley. When you realize your abuser follows a predictable pattern, you can take steps forward to love yourself instead of being pulled back into their abuse cycle. Bullies/Abusers find victims, someone to control and blame for their bad behavior and life outcomes. Pattern is the same: are nice to pull you in, eventually verbally & possibly physical abuse occurs, then silent treatment. Abusers are just nice enough to keep you under their control. When the day comes that you are no longer afraid to tell your story and stand up for yourself respectively with bullies, you’ll feel free to love &care for yourself. History repeats itself with abusers because there is something wrong with them. Remember how you felt at an event that triggered their anger. Even if you can’t remember exactly what was said, remember that you felt less powerful and less in control of your own life. Abusers want power over you. People who side with your abuser and shift blame on to you, are no different than your abuser, there is something wrong with them. See this great Ted.com talk on how to love yourself and others.
Finding Your Wise Mind
Co-dependents use flight(exit conversation) strategy in arguments whereas abusers use fight(dominating conversation) strategy. Allowing our emotional thoughts to take over our rational thoughts creates destructive behavior. To find your Wise Mind, first recognize your Emotional thought. That is your personal interpretation of an event. Emotionally, how were you feeling? Then look to your Rational thought. Based on factual evidence, was this thought reasonable and what should I do now? To find your ultimate Wise Mind, think what will the consequence of this reaction be? What is the best response for me, for others, for the situation? See the attached worksheet to work out a past event and see this short video on the dangers of being a “people pleaser”. Taking hold of your Wise Mind, by recognizing your emotions and are they rational, will help you better stand up for yourself during conflict and stop people pleasing behaviors.
https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk//wisemind.htm
Is Your Relationship Co-Dependent?
Do you feel like you have to share the same opinions with someone else to keep peace? Do you walk on egg shells? Do you avoid speaking up when you feel controlled? Do you feel guilt when thinking about doing things for yourself? Is there someone in your life who is shaming and critical of you if you don’t meet their demands? Children who are raised by a Narcissistic parent, grow up choosing relationships that are conditional. They believe others care for them if they meet certain criteria. They are trying to accomplish what it takes to feel worthy and may become narcissistic themselves. Those who don’t feel confident in their self worth, choose relationships with abusive people. See this MedCircle video on recognizing the behaviors of those raised by Narcissists & how to overcome by seeking out an emotionally healthy person who has your back. Some people won’t love you no matter what you do. Some people won’t stop loving you, no matter what you do. Go where the love is. -Eleanor Brownn
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201609/6-signs-codependent-relationship?eml
Find Your Courage
Taking action to feel powerful in your life, will not be easy. Denying your feelings of shame, guilt and fear are consuming. If you step away from the emotional blackmail you are experiencing, find a safe place of support, you can become a survivor of the abusive people in your life. Know that you matter even if you have been treated like you’re inferior. Know everyone deserves to be respected and find your courage to be imperfect and compassionate to yourself. Don’t refuse to see how bad something is until it destroys you. Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I re-built my life. -JK Rowling See this great Ted Talk on Resiliency by Lucy Hone.
Self Esteem=Act Helpful and Be Thankful
Studies show, that people who have the most happiness, choose to be happy through their thoughts and then actions. Self esteem comes from esteem acts. Helping and connecting with someone else, will help you feel more positive. Identifying opportunities where you can grow by being vulnerable is crucial to moving past a challenging situation. Put yourself out there. Do something that isn’t comfortable, that you might not be good at, you will remember was a time of self-esteem building in you. Each day focusing on something that you are thankful for is powerful. Neil Pasricha’s Ted Talk is an awesome video on being your authentic self and focusing on the positive.
Changing Your Thoughts
Mel Robbins at melrobbins.com has a 5 second rule for changing your negative thought patterns and moving forward. Mel also talks about logging your negative thoughts and having you recognize how that thought gave you a bad feeling. Were you feeling controlled by someone’s words or actions & how did you react? Was the thought distorted? Then change your thought with a more helpful thought instead. If your thought is, “I’m always criticized,” instead think, “I’m not going to let this thought slow me down today.”
What is Co-dependency or being Lovesick?
Co-dependency is emotional illness. When paired with depression lasting more than 2 weeks and/or anxiety which alters the way you live & work by accomodation/medication, told is mental illness. Co-dependents or Highly Sensitive People attract abusers. People who are highly empathetic, try to rescue others and do not care enough for themselves. To survive, everyone needs some narcissism but Co-Dependents don’t have enough. A narcissist will demand that you give up everything to be their nothing. Co-dependents have difficulty walking away from this abuse because it may be all they have ever known since childhood. People will not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. If a Narcissist can’t control you, the punishment will be swift. Abusers can spot Co-dependents . Highly sensitive people are people pleasers. Co-dependents think that abusers can change and may even feel sorry for them. Co-dependents blame themselves for others bad behavior and Narcissists play the victim well. Abusers always say they are the victim of someone or something. Might sound odd, but realize you may have a problem if you can’t take the last piece of pizza. See this short video on recognizing Narcissistic abuse.