In dealing with toxic people, we need to recognize what is going on with this person. Do they suffer from mental illness, insecurity, do they have an abusive personality trait, an addiction or gullible to their own abusers? Especially in the case of a family member that you deal with regularly, be aware of the bullies limitations. You will have a lifetime of misery if you expect a ton of empathy out of an ounce of a person. Acknowledge your cost of being in this relationship and decide if it is worth it. Control is not love. Be aware that as abusers lose control of you, their fear response escalates. What are they afraid of, being exposed so they cannot dominate you or others anymore? My first video from Dr. Grande on YouTube describes family member abuse and the second short video clips from OWN will help you say no to bullies in your life so your light can shine.
Go Where You’re Celebrated, Not Where You’re Tolerated
On Quora, Charmaine G. posted, from Author Unknown, “To Stop Chasing People.”
If they block you, cut off contact, ignore you, let them go. Let the people who naturally gravitate towards you enjoy your energy. We spend so much time begging people to stay, proving your worth, clinging to them so that they won’t have room to leave. Cherish people who Want to talk to you, who Want to see you, who are there by Choice, and not there because you chased them every time they decided to bail on you.
I’ve also added a link posted by Wayne Hardy from author @noblenav on Quora about how a Malignant Narcissist/Sociopath can cause you to change.
https://www.quora.com/q/risingabovenarcissism/ti-15288477?ch=10&share=ffc0e7d1
Jodee Blanco, A Bullied Student & Her Lessons on Compassion at jodeeblanco.com
I met Jodee Blanco ten years ago at my child’s high school. Jodee provided a talk to students and parents about her own experiences as a bullied student. I watched Jodee confront a child who I was aware was an aggressor at my child’s school. I was grateful that she had an honest conversation with him as well as so many other children and adults that night. I realized as she spoke that I had been bullied at school and had also bullied others. Children who like and love themselves, do not bully. Jodee’s website at jodeeblanco.com provides strategies for both the bully and victims to find compassion as a defense against bullying. Jodee empowers parents to find new groups outside of school where their child victim can find new friends. Bullied children isolate themselves, Jodee gives strategies to have victims stop hiding by making the world a gentler one for them through action. Jodee’s book, Please Stop Laughing At Me, is an honest discussion on bullying which can keep so many from being harmed.
Rising Up With Grace and Love
Brene’ Brown in her book “Rising Strong” talks about telling our story, not denying it. Being brave to honestly tell your truth and recognizing, yes this is what happened and now I get to choose how my story ends, will be powerful for you. In this YouTube video Brene’ and Oprah talk about sharing your pain with those who have earned the right to hear your story and can carry the weight of it without judgement. Victims of abuse/bullying need to find that one person who will meet you with grace and love so you can share your burden. Carrying your pain alone is a dangerous emotional and physical place to be for victims. Conquer your fear and reach out for help to that one person who you know will have your back. Someday, when the storm passes, and it will, you will be grateful that you did.
Do Good, Feel Good
This morning I read an amazing article by Author Gretchen Rubin about the value of being kind. Her words, “do good, feel good” are so profound. I remember the times in my life when I have not been kind and those memories nag at me, make me feel less good about myself. I make an effort to be kind, remembering times in life when actions of kindness by someone else lifted me up on difficult days. Kindness is contagious. Giving someone a genuine smile, helping a neighbor or stranger even in the smallest of ways, inspires others to do the same. Especially during a dark period, being kind to someone else will be the first step in saving yourself. Changing our behavior to be compassionate at every opportunity, helps us be more compassionate with ourselves. See this great video from Steve Hartman in his Kindness 101 Series about Compassion and being the Anti-Bully.
Change Your Environment To See The Truth
When you are consumed with trying to understand & please others who are abusing you, your life cannot change. I never thought I would be thankful that my abusers made a public display of their bullying, where I was humiliated and devastated at a vulnerable moment. It caused another to confront me on the reality of my situation, which I had been denying. I was told how to become safe and focus on changing my reactions to abuse. 1. PLAN: Found a job, found an apartment, then told people I could trust where I was located. 2. POSITIVE: I put pictures and items on display where I felt proud & had succeeded in my past. 3. PAT SELF ON THE BACK: Each morn I got out of bed, then went for a walk/run, showered & dressed, got in my car to go to work, got out of my car & went into work, repeat daily. Initially, each action was monumental but eventually became easier by praising myself after each small accomplishment. Being away from my abusers and having to focus on something else, led me to see how long I had been living a self destructive life. I am grateful now that the breakdown occurred so that I could finally see my truth and change my life. See this short video on embracing a breakdown to get well. When you come out the other side, you will have grown & surviving finally becomes a better alternative than your destruction.
TV Talk: 2020 Bolingbrook-August Show- Now on YouTube
Barbara Parker, the host of 2020 Bolingbrook-August Show, sat down with me to discuss gethelpforbullying.com. 2020 Bolingbrook is a Bolingbrook Community Television show.
Elder , Partner & Those With Disabilities Abuse
Many disabled people and those who are over age 60, are victims of abusive people. The many types of abuse that compromised or overly empathetic adults may face are physical, sexual, emotional, and financial. The abused adult may be denied assistance of the basic necessities of life by their child, grandchild or caregiver. A victim may not be receiving essential care and are being willfully denied assistance. The link that I have provided illustrate the signs of abuse and how to recognize neglect and financial exploitation. The site discusses reporting abuse, and what happens when a report is made. Protective measures can be put in place if an adult is incapable of protecting himself or herself. The Department on Aging number to report abuse is 1-866-800-1409. An additional assistance help line number is 1-800-252-8966. Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can psychologically or physically bully children and adults to injury or death. Find your courage to stand up for yourself or others who may be abused. See this short video on the 10 Red Flags of Abuse. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there – Will Rogers.
https://www2.illinois.gov/aging/engage/Pages/default.aspx
Gaslighters Are Not Listening To You
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.“ -James Baldwin. Gaslighting is emotional abuse where the insecure abuser is either telling you that something never happened/wasn’t said or they deflect by changing the subject. Both of these actions minimize your feelings and confuse you to keep the ego of the Narcissist in tact. Abusers have a fragile sense of self so they need to end the conversation when a victim is saying that an abuser made a mistake or there is something wrong with their behavior. It’s important for victims to recognize when Gaslighting occurs and realize that the abuser is not listening to you, they are protecting them self. It is our actions during difficult times that are a witness to our character. See this great video on identifying Gaslighting by Dr. Ramani.
Once You Lose Your Fear, You’re Free- John Lewis
Success in life comes not from holding a good hand but in playing a poor hand well. -Dennis Waitley. When you realize your abuser follows a predictable pattern, you can take steps forward to love yourself instead of being pulled back into their abuse cycle. Bullies/Abusers find victims, someone to control and blame for their bad behavior and life outcomes. Pattern is the same: are nice to pull you in, eventually verbally & possibly physical abuse occurs, then silent treatment. Abusers are just nice enough to keep you under their control. When the day comes that you are no longer afraid to tell your story and stand up for yourself respectively with bullies, you’ll feel free to love &care for yourself. History repeats itself with abusers because there is something wrong with them. Remember how you felt at an event that triggered their anger. Even if you can’t remember exactly what was said, remember that you felt less powerful and less in control of your own life. Abusers want power over you. People who side with your abuser and shift blame on to you, are no different than your abuser, there is something wrong with them. See this great Ted.com talk on how to love yourself and others.