“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.“ -James Baldwin. Gaslighting is emotional abuse where the insecure abuser is either telling you that something never happened/wasn’t said or they deflect by changing the subject. Both of these actions minimize your feelings and confuse you to keep the ego of the Narcissist in tact. Abusers have a fragile sense of self so they need to end the conversation when a victim is saying that an abuser made a mistake or there is something wrong with their behavior. It’s important for victims to recognize when Gaslighting occurs and realize that the abuser is not listening to you, they are protecting them self. It is our actions during difficult times that are a witness to our character. See this great video on identifying Gaslighting by Dr. Ramani.
Once You Lose Your Fear, You’re Free- John Lewis
Success in life comes not from holding a good hand but in playing a poor hand well. -Dennis Waitley. When you realize your abuser follows a predictable pattern, you can take steps forward to love yourself instead of being pulled back into their abuse cycle. Bullies/Abusers find victims, someone to control and blame for their bad behavior and life outcomes. Pattern is the same: are nice to pull you in, eventually verbally & possibly physical abuse occurs, then silent treatment. Abusers are just nice enough to keep you under their control. When the day comes that you are no longer afraid to tell your story and stand up for yourself respectively with bullies, you’ll feel free to love &care for yourself. History repeats itself with abusers because there is something wrong with them. Remember how you felt at an event that triggered their anger. Even if you can’t remember exactly what was said, remember that you felt less powerful and less in control of your own life. Abusers want power over you. People who side with your abuser and shift blame on to you, are no different than your abuser, there is something wrong with them. See this great Ted.com talk on how to love yourself and others.
Ellen Jo Ljung Guest Blog
I am honored to be the first guest blogger on this important website. I first met its creator ten years ago, when we were both working to convince the Geneva, Illinois, school district to take a more proactive role to prevent bullying. That was not the first time I’d pushed for anti-bullying, and sadly, I’m sure it won’t be the last. But every teacher, parent, student, and community member needs to learn more about bullying. We all need to understand the root causes and the cost not only to the victims but also to their bullies and to bystanders. Then we need to learn how to take effective actions to prevent that kind of harm.
According to national studies, about 20% of students aged 12-18 report having been bullied and 49% of children in grades 4–12 reported being bullied by other students at school at least once during the past month ,[1] about 30% acknowledge having been a bully,[2] and over 70% of students and staff have witnessed bullying.[3] These number should concern all of us.
Bullied students often suffer effects that “can include:
- Social isolation
- Feelings of shame
- Sleep disturbance
- Changes in eating habits
- Low self-esteem
- School avoidance
- Symptoms of anxiety
- Bedwetting
- Higher risk of illness
- Psychosomatic symptoms (stomachaches, headaches, muscle aches, other physical complaints with no known medical cause)
- Poor school performance
- Symptoms of depression
- Chronic depression
- Increased risk of suicidal thoughts, suicide plans, and suicide attempts
- Anxiety disorders
- Post-traumatic stress disorder
- Poor general health
- Self-destructive behavior, including self-harm
- Substance abuse
- Difficulty establishing trusting, reciprocal friendships and relationships”[4]
Bullies themselves face both short-term and long-term dire consequences of their own behavior:
- “Chronic depression
- Increased risk of suicidal thoughts, suicide plans, and suicide attempts
- Anxiety disorders
- Post-traumatic stress disorder
- Poor general health
- Self-destructive behavior, including self-harm
- Substance abuse
- Difficulty establishing trusting, reciprocal friendships and relationships
- Risk of spousal or child abuse
- Risk of antisocial behavior
- Substance abuse
- Less likely to be educated or employed”[5]
Bystanders, those who witness bullying but fail to intervene, also suffer. They may:
- “be reluctant to attend school
- feel fearful or powerless to act and guilty for not acting
- have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
- have increased use of tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs”[6]
Yet we know that when bystanders intervene, “bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time.”[7] Training students and staff on how to intervene offers one of many strategies that can make a difference. More and more effective, evidence-based anti-bullying programs have become available. Check out https://www.cde.state.co.us/mtss/bullying/bestpractices
and https://educationandbehavior.com/research-based-bullying-prevention-programs/ for specific examples.
Every child deserves to feel safe to learn. Schools and the larger communities need to ensure that safety. A site like this one helps all of us to learn how keep students safe.
Ellen Jo Ljung
Educator/Writer/Consultant
www.imwriter.com
[1] https://nces.ed.gov/programs/crimeindicators/ind_10.asp,
[2] Bradshaw, C.P., Sawyer, A.L., & O’Brennan, L.M. (2007). “Bullying and peer victimization at school: Perceptual differences between students and school staff.” School Psychology Review, 36(3), 361-382.
[3] Ibid.
[4] https://www.psycom.net/effects-of-bullying/
[5] Ibid.
[6] https://www.education.vic.gov.au/about/programs/bullystoppers/Pages/what.aspx
[7] Hawkins, D. L., Pepler, D., and Craig, W. M. (2001). “Peer interventions in playground bullying.” Social Development, 10, 512-527.
Don’t Chop Heads
Paramahansa Yogananda said, “Some people want to be tall by cutting the heads off others.” If a child is raised in a household where they feel powerless and controlled, that child goes to school feeling insecure. Insecure children bully/are bullied. Children who witness family members acting entitled by disrespecting or dismissing others, learn how to abuse others or feel powerless, depending on the child’s personality traits. Confidence in children is gained by teaching a child to be grateful. Teach children to be empathetic by talking to a child about how they would feel in someone else’s shoes in a given situation. Discussing how an action by a child made you feel and how did that make your child feel. Helping others and standing up for themselves respectfully, builds self esteem. Teaching a child to have a positive thought about a negative situation, builds patience and understanding. Expressing that no one is superior over anyone else and everyone deserves respect, prevents negative behavior.
Be An Upstander
An Upstander is a person who speaks up & stands up for themselves or others when faced with a bully. Whether a teen or adult, bullies use similar tactics to elevate themselves by rejecting someone else. Relational bullying is manifested through excluding someone by means of spreading rumors so the victim is isolated. A Hate Incident is an act that goes against a policy; such as racial or homophobic slurs of LGBTQ community, but does not arrive to the level of a crime. Your first step is to identify that the bully is trying to harm by manipulating & controlling others because there is something wrong with them. Finding one person to listen and support you, is your best defense if you cannot avoid your abuser. The one person who “has your back” might be difficult for you to recognize when you are overwhelmed with emotional pain. Find your Upstander, is it a relative, friend, guidance counselor, health professional? Don’t stay silent since as Confucius said, Where ever you go, there you are. There is no way to escape yourself. Being a highly sensitive person, abusers will find you. Find a strategy to support yourself and find happiness.
Finding Your Wise Mind
Co-dependents use flight(exit conversation) strategy in arguments whereas abusers use fight(dominating conversation) strategy. Allowing our emotional thoughts to take over our rational thoughts creates destructive behavior. To find your Wise Mind, first recognize your Emotional thought. That is your personal interpretation of an event. Emotionally, how were you feeling? Then look to your Rational thought. Based on factual evidence, was this thought reasonable and what should I do now? To find your ultimate Wise Mind, think what will the consequence of this reaction be? What is the best response for me, for others, for the situation? See the attached worksheet to work out a past event and see this short video on the dangers of being a “people pleaser”. Taking hold of your Wise Mind, by recognizing your emotions and are they rational, will help you better stand up for yourself during conflict and stop people pleasing behaviors.
https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk//wisemind.htm
Gaslighting To Manipulate You
Gaslighting is mind control used by abusers to have you question reality. It is subtle, happens slowly over time. Most people recognize this tactic by cult leaders and dictators but it is commonly used by less obvious abusers. Some gaslighters learn the technique from a parent. Gaslighting may be used by a parent to keep a child quiet about abuse/neglect at home. If you feel guilt about things that aren’t your fault & are being isolated from family & friends equals gaslighting. Listen for clues, “I didn’t say that,” “You’re too sensitive,” “You just saw your friend, stay home,” “Your mother really has a problem with me.” Gaslighters tell you others are out to get them & they are competitive with people. If you know there will be pay back for not obeying them, you are being gaslighted. See this short video on the 10 Signs You Are Being Manipulated.
Is Your Relationship Co-Dependent?
Do you feel like you have to share the same opinions with someone else to keep peace? Do you walk on egg shells? Do you avoid speaking up when you feel controlled? Do you feel guilt when thinking about doing things for yourself? Is there someone in your life who is shaming and critical of you if you don’t meet their demands? Children who are raised by a Narcissistic parent, grow up choosing relationships that are conditional. They believe others care for them if they meet certain criteria. They are trying to accomplish what it takes to feel worthy and may become narcissistic themselves. Those who don’t feel confident in their self worth, choose relationships with abusive people. See this MedCircle video on recognizing the behaviors of those raised by Narcissists & how to overcome by seeking out an emotionally healthy person who has your back. Some people won’t love you no matter what you do. Some people won’t stop loving you, no matter what you do. Go where the love is. -Eleanor Brownn
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201609/6-signs-codependent-relationship?eml
Find Your Courage
Taking action to feel powerful in your life, will not be easy. Denying your feelings of shame, guilt and fear are consuming. If you step away from the emotional blackmail you are experiencing, find a safe place of support, you can become a survivor of the abusive people in your life. Know that you matter even if you have been treated like you’re inferior. Know everyone deserves to be respected and find your courage to be imperfect and compassionate to yourself. Don’t refuse to see how bad something is until it destroys you. Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I re-built my life. -JK Rowling See this great Ted Talk on Resiliency by Lucy Hone.
Co-dependent vs. Sociopathic Parent
Children of Malignant Narcissists or Co-dependents, may become Co-dependent or Narcissistic. Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Psychopathy are genetic but narcissism is learned. A Co-dependent parent is the helicopter parent. Rescuing their children, trying to control their environment & putting their child’s needs above their own. Some children then learn to disrespect themselves and others by feeling entitled to special treatment. Some also may lack confidence to be independent from their parent. A Sociopathic parent puts their needs above the child’s and controls them. The child learns their okay only if their parent is okay with them. Experts agree that children who are over indulged or neglected by a parent, are more likely to become narcissistic. A child of a Sociopath may have had to survive their environment. They knew they had to take care of themselves & were devalued. These children are told to numb their own feelings to take care of the parent’s needs. The co-dependent parent is praising & doing for the child too often. Admiring the superficial, such as their child’s appearance or status, teaches a poor value. Allowing a child to navigate their world’s challenges, along with clear boundaries, builds confidence, independence and respect. See Dr. Phil’s video on Fitness of a Parent.
10 Factors to Determine The Fitness of A Parent from Dr. Phil