It is in the small things we see it, the child’s first step, as awesome as an earthquake. The first time you rode a bike wallowing up the sidewalk. The first spanking when your heart went on a journey all alone. When they called you cry baby or poor or fatty or crazy and made you into an an alien. You drank their acid and concealed it. Later if you faced the death of bombs and bullets, you did not do it with a banner, you did it with only a hat to cover your heart. You did not fondle the weakness inside you though it was there. Your courage was a small coal you kept swallowing. If your buddy saved you and died himself in so doing, then his courage was not courage it was love; love as simple as shaving soap. Later, if you have endured great despair then you did it alone, getting a transfusion from the fire, picking the scabs off your heart. Then wringing it out like a sock. Next my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow, you gave it a back rub and then covered it with a blanket and after it had slept a while it woke to the wings of the roses and was transformed. Later, when you face old age and its natural conclusion your courage will still be shown in the little ways, each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen, those you love will live in a fever of love, and you’ll bargain with the calendar and at the last moment when death opens the back door you’ll put on your carpet slippers and stride out.
When A Bully Can No Longer Control You, They Will Instead Try To Control How Others See You
Have you ever had the bully in your life welcome a new person into their group? You’re confused, why are they acting all nice to this new person when they are so unkind to you. They’re holding this person’s hand, that’s weird. It’s manipulation, trying to get others on their side. He’s so nice to new people, he couldn’t really be a bully with a plan. The plan is to confuse the bully’s victims. Innocent and kind people are not stupid. They just think everyone has a good heart. Whether the bully is mean to you behind closed doors or right out in the open, they gain power by getting others on their side. Behind your back, the bully will try to change people’s minds about you. They will tell lies about you or mock you in front of people they are trying to control. Others are afraid of the bully or buy into their fake disguise, so they won’t come to your defense. You can’t control others behavior or how other people feel. You can only change YOUR reaction to negative thoughts which is called Cognitive Defusion. An example, I’m having the thought that the Bully is making me feel like a loser. Just because I’m thinking that thought doesn’t mean that it is true. Instead, think the thought, “what would a kind friend say about me” so that you buy into a good thought about yourself not the thought the bully is trying to put on you. See this video from Therapy in a Nutshell titled, “Intrusive Thoughts and Overthinking: The Skill of Cognitive Fusion 20/30” to learn how to stop getting stuck in negative thoughts about yourself.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. “- Robin Williams
One in 3 women and one in 4 men will experience an abusive relationship. It’s hard to know when you’re not in a good partnership. It’s easier to ignore the behavior of someone you have to “walk on egg shells” around. Abusers need to cut you down so they feel like they have elevated themselves above you so you won’t feel strong enough to leave them. Or they might try the strategy of love bombing you with “over the top” compliments or affection, they may cry and an” I love you” is used. How could someone who loves me want to hurt me, so you go back. These are Manipulation techniques along with telling you that “you’re crazy” or people that you hold dear are bad, is a common tactic of people who want to dominate you. Know the warning signs of abuse whether it be in a partner or family relationship. Do they prevent you from seeing some family members or friends? Are they a jerk with your friends but not their own? Do they control the finances or you do not fully understand their finances that may effect you? Do they use intimidation through their looks or actions to get you to do what they want? Do you argue when you tell them your feelings? Do they blame shift so you’re confused? Do they threaten to take away something you hold dear? One study indicated that abusers will harm their victim financially and/or legally 99% of the time so lean into what is really going on. Abuse is wanting power or control over another person. Abuse escalates over time. Your abuser may punch a hole in something. Throw things. Allows others to verbally abuse you. They don’t come to your defense. They call you names. Embarrass you in public. They’re jealous. Try to trap you into a relationship with them. Abuse is not just being beaten up. If you realize something has to change and you’re not being heard, see https://thehotline.org. Don’t confront your abuser. Instead call, text or chat for help with this person. See wannatalkaboutit.com. Netflix Limited Series “Maid” is a must watch. See signs of relationship abuse at joinonelove.org which include videos like one below, #ThatsNotLove. Remember, there’s something wrong with them and you can’t fix it.
See The Bully As An Opportunity For You to Grow Your Resilience Muscle and Reframe Situation
Heather R. Younger wrote an article about the power of reframing our current situation to see the brighter side. Reframe is to see a situation in a new way that is more positive for us. If the bully is rejecting you, making you feel smaller by being unheard and unimportant, see this challenge as an opportunity to grow and become larger and more confident. By building your confidence in yourself, by taking actions that will make you feel stronger against the bully, you will “reframe” your current situation and grow your resilience muscle. Kirk Duncan’s video gives specific action you can take on How To Stop Someone From Bullying You.
Will My Silence Make Me Proud?
When you hear or see something that you know is not honoring you or someone else, it’s scary to speak up. Will you regret your silence? We can’t just accept the status quo and must overcome our fear when it is for the greater good. This awesome TED Talk by Luvvie Ajavi Jones talks about being kind in our words and actions to be brilliant even though others may not want you to be. Be brave and create “good trouble” when you know you are being thoughtful to your cause or the cause of another. At least you tried to be an “Upstander” even if you are ultimately dismissed.
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head what would they say instead? Billie Eilish
When I read the painful lyrics to the Billie Eilish song “Everything I Wanted,” it helped me to understand that others also work out their bullying experiences through their dreams. When I shared a bullying experience that happened to me to an outsider, he replied, “that sounds like a nightmare.” This helped me see that the shame I was feeling over these events were not my responsibility. Shame is when something bad happens and you allow those feelings to define you and how you feel about yourself. I now try to practice empathy, especially with those that bully others. What is going on with this person? Why do they need to shame, control, and lie about people they find threatening? Their shame for their past actions or the shame that has been put on them by others, does not move the bully forward in life. It keeps them stuck in behaviors of the past that are not helpful. See this short TED Talk by June Tangney about the difference between guilt and shame to stop bullies from having you buy into bad feelings about yourself.
Do You Believe in Karma?
Author Charlie Mackesy quotes one of his characters as saying, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “Kind”, said the boy.” Kindness changes everything. Even without words, kindness tells others you see them, you want to hear and help them. Your individual energy that you give off everyday eventually effects society. Karma is tied to our past, present and future actions. If we spend our time being honest with ourselves on who we are, we can change and grow. Your thoughts create your words and then your actions. Positive thoughts bring positive words and actions to move you forward in life. If you choose values that are responsible, generous and kind, your actions will become habits and reveal who you really are. Don’t waste time comparing yourself to others. Be present in your daily life and make an effort to be better to others, which in turn will bring others goodness to you. See the video below “12 Laws of Karma That Will Change Your Life.”
Some People Will Never Like You Because Your Spirit Irritates Their Demons-Denzel Washington
Writer for The Washington Post, Carolyn Hax, recently replied to a question by stating, “None of us is without frailty. However, feeling ashamed of our frailties is a virtual invitation for predatory others to come help us feel worse, usually under the guise of trying to fix us. It would be more useful to learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them.” We want to attract responsible people to our lives by being responsible ourselves and learn to spot abusive behavior. “Own it” when you have made a mistake and feel guilty and learn to recognize when others aren’t owning their own bad behavior, don’t let them put that shame on you. Dr. Les Carter’s video outlines what responsible people do and don’t do. We want to grow to be a better person from the inside out, not punish and pummel others for our mistakes that we want to say others are responsible for. Grow in the direction of positive thoughts which brings positive actions and away from black and white thinking.
Our Life Is Now. Be Patient To Be The Person You Are Meant To Become By Overcoming Your Fear.
Brene Brown wrote the “Manifesto of The Brave and Brokenhearted ” which I love. It talks about overcoming failure and owning your story. If we don’t face our fears head on, they define our lives. By being honest with ourselves and others, we are finding our courage to rise up with compassion instead of being consumed with shame and disappointment. Our lives are now so we must live in the here and now. Be patient to be the person you are meant to become . Be brave to be your authentic self by not letting bullies dominate and control you. Hide no more, pretend no more by overcoming your fear of them with truth. See this great video on 5 Life Lessons People Often Learn Too Late.
It’s Easier To Fool People Than To Convince Them That They Have Been Fooled -Mark Twain
Bullies want to shame their victims by telling lies to keep the Narcissist/Sociopath from being judged negatively. Lying keeps their victim isolated. Bullies want power over others in a relationship. Bullies want to control how others perceive them. If the victim isn’t present to defend themselves, manipulative bullies can tell the same lie repeatedly until it becomes the easily duped truth. Don’t let a liar get inside you and weigh you down. Learn how to rise up without hiding so you can face your own truth and be your authentic self. By being grateful, practicing kindness and having positive, “I Will” thoughts, brings genuine, honest people into your life. Maybe there is someone already there for you to ease your suffering. Focus on the here and now to see them. See this short video on the 7 Traits of Honest People.