Be a person that wants to learn about other people. Ask questions, don’t be fault finding. Strive to be a person that isn’t critical of others. Bullies are judgy people. Bullies aren’t interested in learning others stories and motivators. See this awesome scene from the TV Show Ted Lasso on how to be the Anti-bully by being curious.
When A Toxic Person Comes Into Your Space, Do You Notice All Of A Sudden You Are Out of Balance, Unsettled, Not Your Self And Trying To Compensate For This Person? There’s Nothing You Can Do To Make This Person Happy With You.
Avoid Toxic Relationships by recognizing Manipulation and Gaslighting. When someone’s words don’t match their action equals Manipulation. Refusing to be held accountable for those words or actions is Gaslighting. Recognize Toxic People: As Maya Angelou said, the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t talk yourself into unseeing what they showed you. If you allow the behavior to continue, it will continue. Be grateful that what is happening in your relationship, is trying to teach you something about finding your value in this world and not allowing others to steal your light.
Be A Friend To Make A Friend
Build your self esteem by doing for others. If you’re like me and shy, get out of your comfort zone. Put yourself out there. Volunteer at a cause you believe in. Travel some where alone, even if it’s just a place nearby. Join a new group. Above all, be kind because kindness changes everything. All you need is one true friend, a person who has your back whenever you need an embrace. A friend can be your relative, neighbor, teacher, boy or girl. What matters is that you are there for them in their times of need and they will be there for you. Become a better listener than talker. You learn by listening. If you are truly interested in sharing the same soul with someone, you will find your friend and be one together. See Steve Harman’s Kindness 101 episode on Friendship.
Hurt People, Hurt People. Be Unpredictable. Do Good To Those Who Mistreat You. Do You Want To Waste Your Energy On Someone You Don’t Like? You Don’t Get Ahead By Getting Even. At The End Of This Relationship, What Is The Story You Want To Tell? By: Andy Stanley
Empathy by Brene Brown: I know what it’s like down here. I’m so glad you told me what you’re going through. You’re not alone.
By Carolyn Hax: When at a Crossroad in Life: Will anything change? Can I accept that? Should I accept that? Then, find your COURAGE, by Anne Sexton
It is in the small things we see it, the child’s first step, as awesome as an earthquake. The first time you rode a bike wallowing up the sidewalk. The first spanking when your heart went on a journey all alone. When they called you cry baby or poor or fatty or crazy and made you into an an alien. You drank their acid and concealed it. Later if you faced the death of bombs and bullets, you did not do it with a banner, you did it with only a hat to cover your heart. You did not fondle the weakness inside you though it was there. Your courage was a small coal you kept swallowing. If your buddy saved you and died himself in so doing, then his courage was not courage it was love; love as simple as shaving soap. Later, if you have endured great despair then you did it alone, getting a transfusion from the fire, picking the scabs off your heart. Then wringing it out like a sock. Next my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow, you gave it a back rub and then covered it with a blanket and after it had slept a while it woke to the wings of the roses and was transformed. Later, when you face old age and its natural conclusion your courage will still be shown in the little ways, each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen, those you love will live in a fever of love, and you’ll bargain with the calendar and at the last moment when death opens the back door you’ll put on your carpet slippers and stride out.
When A Bully Can No Longer Control You, They Will Instead Try To Control How Others See You
Have you ever had the bully in your life welcome a new person into their group? You’re confused, why are they acting all nice to this new person when they are so unkind to you. They’re holding this person’s hand, that’s weird. It’s manipulation, trying to get others on their side. He’s so nice to new people, he couldn’t really be a bully with a plan. The plan is to confuse the bully’s victims. Innocent and kind people are not stupid. They just think everyone has a good heart. Whether the bully is mean to you behind closed doors or right out in the open, they gain power by getting others on their side. Behind your back, the bully will try to change people’s minds about you. They will tell lies about you or mock you in front of people they are trying to control. Others are afraid of the bully or buy into their fake disguise, so they won’t come to your defense. You can’t control others behavior or how other people feel. You can only change YOUR reaction to negative thoughts which is called Cognitive Defusion. An example, I’m having the thought that the Bully is making me feel like a loser. Just because I’m thinking that thought doesn’t mean that it is true. Instead, think the thought, “what would a kind friend say about me” so that you buy into a good thought about yourself not the thought the bully is trying to put on you. See this video from Therapy in a Nutshell titled, “Intrusive Thoughts and Overthinking: The Skill of Cognitive Fusion 20/30” to learn how to stop getting stuck in negative thoughts about yourself.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. “- Robin Williams
One in 3 women and one in 4 men will experience an abusive relationship. It’s hard to know when you’re not in a good partnership. It’s easier to ignore the behavior of someone you have to “walk on egg shells” around. Abusers need to cut you down so they feel like they have elevated themselves above you so you won’t feel strong enough to leave them. Or they might try the strategy of love bombing you with “over the top” compliments or affection, they may cry and an” I love you” is used. How could someone who loves me want to hurt me, so you go back. These are Manipulation techniques along with telling you that “you’re crazy” or people that you hold dear are bad, is a common tactic of people who want to dominate you. Know the warning signs of abuse whether it be in a partner or family relationship. Do they prevent you from seeing some family members or friends? Are they a jerk with your friends but not their own? Do they control the finances or you do not fully understand their finances that may effect you? Do they use intimidation through their looks or actions to get you to do what they want? Do you argue when you tell them your feelings? Do they blame shift so you’re confused? Do they threaten to take away something you hold dear? One study indicated that abusers will harm their victim financially and/or legally 99% of the time so lean into what is really going on. Abuse is wanting power or control over another person. Abuse escalates over time. Your abuser may punch a hole in something. Throw things. Allows others to verbally abuse you. They don’t come to your defense. They call you names. Embarrass you in public. They’re jealous. Try to trap you into a relationship with them. Abuse is not just being beaten up. If you realize something has to change and you’re not being heard, see https://thehotline.org. Don’t confront your abuser. Instead call, text or chat for help with this person. See wannatalkaboutit.com. Netflix Limited Series “Maid” is a must watch. See signs of relationship abuse at joinonelove.org which include videos like one below, #ThatsNotLove. Remember, there’s something wrong with them and you can’t fix it.
See The Bully As An Opportunity For You to Grow Your Resilience Muscle and Reframe Situation
Heather R. Younger wrote an article about the power of reframing our current situation to see the brighter side. Reframe is to see a situation in a new way that is more positive for us. If the bully is rejecting you, making you feel smaller by being unheard and unimportant, see this challenge as an opportunity to grow and become larger and more confident. By building your confidence in yourself, by taking actions that will make you feel stronger against the bully, you will “reframe” your current situation and grow your resilience muscle. Kirk Duncan’s video gives specific action you can take on How To Stop Someone From Bullying You.
Will My Silence Make Me Proud?
When you hear or see something that you know is not honoring you or someone else, it’s scary to speak up. Will you regret your silence? We can’t just accept the status quo and must overcome our fear when it is for the greater good. This awesome TED Talk by Luvvie Ajavi Jones talks about being kind in our words and actions to be brilliant even though others may not want you to be. Be brave and create “good trouble” when you know you are being thoughtful to your cause or the cause of another. At least you tried to be an “Upstander” even if you are ultimately dismissed.