Paramahansa Yogananda said, “Some people want to be tall by cutting the heads off others.” If a child is raised in a household where they feel powerless and controlled, that child goes to school feeling insecure. Insecure children bully/are bullied. Children who witness family members acting entitled by disrespecting or dismissing others, learn how to abuse others or feel powerless, depending on the child’s personality traits. Confidence in children is gained by teaching a child to be grateful. Teach children to be empathetic by talking to a child about how they would feel in someone else’s shoes in a given situation. Discussing how an action by a child made you feel and how did that make your child feel. Helping others and standing up for themselves respectfully, builds self esteem. Teaching a child to have a positive thought about a negative situation, builds patience and understanding. Expressing that no one is superior over anyone else and everyone deserves respect, prevents negative behavior.
Be An Upstander
An Upstander is a person who speaks up & stands up for themselves or others when faced with a bully. Whether a teen or adult, bullies use similar tactics to elevate themselves by rejecting someone else. Relational bullying is manifested through excluding someone by means of spreading rumors so the victim is isolated. A Hate Incident is an act that goes against a policy; such as racial or homophobic slurs of LGBTQ community, but does not arrive to the level of a crime. Your first step is to identify that the bully is trying to harm by manipulating & controlling others because there is something wrong with them. Finding one person to listen and support you, is your best defense if you cannot avoid your abuser. The one person who “has your back” might be difficult for you to recognize when you are overwhelmed with emotional pain. Find your Upstander, is it a relative, friend, guidance counselor, health professional? Don’t stay silent since as Confucius said, Where ever you go, there you are. There is no way to escape yourself. Being a highly sensitive person, abusers will find you. Find a strategy to support yourself and find happiness.
Finding Your Wise Mind
Co-dependents use flight(exit conversation) strategy in arguments whereas abusers use fight(dominating conversation) strategy. Allowing our emotional thoughts to take over our rational thoughts creates destructive behavior. To find your Wise Mind, first recognize your Emotional thought. That is your personal interpretation of an event. Emotionally, how were you feeling? Then look to your Rational thought. Based on factual evidence, was this thought reasonable and what should I do now? To find your ultimate Wise Mind, think what will the consequence of this reaction be? What is the best response for me, for others, for the situation? See the attached worksheet to work out a past event and see this short video on the dangers of being a “people pleaser”. Taking hold of your Wise Mind, by recognizing your emotions and are they rational, will help you better stand up for yourself during conflict and stop people pleasing behaviors.
https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk//wisemind.htm
Gaslighting To Manipulate You
Gaslighting is mind control used by abusers to have you question reality. It is subtle, happens slowly over time. Most people recognize this tactic by cult leaders and dictators but it is commonly used by less obvious abusers. Some gaslighters learn the technique from a parent. Gaslighting may be used by a parent to keep a child quiet about abuse/neglect at home. If you feel guilt about things that aren’t your fault & are being isolated from family & friends equals gaslighting. Listen for clues, “I didn’t say that,” “You’re too sensitive,” “You just saw your friend, stay home,” “Your mother really has a problem with me.” Gaslighters tell you others are out to get them & they are competitive with people. If you know there will be pay back for not obeying them, you are being gaslighted. See this short video on the 10 Signs You Are Being Manipulated.
Is Your Relationship Co-Dependent?
Do you feel like you have to share the same opinions with someone else to keep peace? Do you walk on egg shells? Do you avoid speaking up when you feel controlled? Do you feel guilt when thinking about doing things for yourself? Is there someone in your life who is shaming and critical of you if you don’t meet their demands? Children who are raised by a Narcissistic parent, grow up choosing relationships that are conditional. They believe others care for them if they meet certain criteria. They are trying to accomplish what it takes to feel worthy and may become narcissistic themselves. Those who don’t feel confident in their self worth, choose relationships with abusive people. See this MedCircle video on recognizing the behaviors of those raised by Narcissists & how to overcome by seeking out an emotionally healthy person who has your back. Some people won’t love you no matter what you do. Some people won’t stop loving you, no matter what you do. Go where the love is. -Eleanor Brownn
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201609/6-signs-codependent-relationship?eml
Find Your Courage
Taking action to feel powerful in your life, will not be easy. Denying your feelings of shame, guilt and fear are consuming. If you step away from the emotional blackmail you are experiencing, find a safe place of support, you can become a survivor of the abusive people in your life. Know that you matter even if you have been treated like you’re inferior. Know everyone deserves to be respected and find your courage to be imperfect and compassionate to yourself. Don’t refuse to see how bad something is until it destroys you. Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I re-built my life. -JK Rowling See this great Ted Talk on Resiliency by Lucy Hone.
Co-dependent vs. Sociopathic Parent
Children of Malignant Narcissists or Co-dependents, may become Co-dependent or Narcissistic. Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Psychopathy are genetic but narcissism is learned. A Co-dependent parent is the helicopter parent. Rescuing their children, trying to control their environment & putting their child’s needs above their own. Some children then learn to disrespect themselves and others by feeling entitled to special treatment. Some also may lack confidence to be independent from their parent. A Sociopathic parent puts their needs above the child’s and controls them. The child learns their okay only if their parent is okay with them. Experts agree that children who are over indulged or neglected by a parent, are more likely to become narcissistic. A child of a Sociopath may have had to survive their environment. They knew they had to take care of themselves & were devalued. These children are told to numb their own feelings to take care of the parent’s needs. The co-dependent parent is praising & doing for the child too often. Admiring the superficial, such as their child’s appearance or status, teaches a poor value. Allowing a child to navigate their world’s challenges, along with clear boundaries, builds confidence, independence and respect. See Dr. Phil’s video on Fitness of a Parent.
10 Factors to Determine The Fitness of A Parent from Dr. Phil
What Dangerous People Say & Do
In partner relationships, abusers give red flags. They confide in you immediately to rush intimacy. They “love bomb” you & move in quickly. Their conversation is “off.” Sociopaths/Psychopaths are child like emotionally and cannot change. Red flags are their talk on food, houses & status. They’re materialistic and you may be thrown off on how smoothly they speak. What they say to others on a first meeting deviates from the norm. You may think, “why would she tell them that,” since its not normal conversation. Abusers do this as a bid for sympathy to move onto the next stage of manipulating you. Once you’re hooked, abusers start making odd asides about you. Such as, “you’re the smartest one in your family.” This is a passive aggressive way of putting down you and your family. Abusers become superior over you; using their speech to talk about their education, the money they made, the house they want. Little jabs & then gaslighting you into isolation so they can control you. You’re eating what they want, living where they want, seeing only the people they want you to see. Watch this short video by Jordan Peterson -How Narcissistic Psychopaths Fool You.
Teach Empathy & Communication Skills
To be the Anti-Bully, we need to recognize the emotional triggers that create poor communication. Reviewing Mel Robbins 5 second rule, is a great resource when you are feeling the need to fight or flee a difficult talk. Co-dependents use the flight/passive strategy of communication. We believe we’re not okay unless the other person is okay. Bullies use the fight/aggressive strategy when having an emotionally triggered talk. An example is they’re cutoff in traffic. Instead of counting down from 5 before reacting, they lash out verbally/fight. They think, “I’m okay, you’re not.” The most effective communication technique is the Assertive, “I’m okay, you’re okay.” The Assertive strategy is when you are respectful, even if you disagree with a person. You are in emotional control. When you are in fight/flight mode, your communication is ineffective. Having empathy, “I hear you, I understand what you’re saying, I get that,” puts the other person at ease. You respect them. People are more open to your thoughts if they feel they are heard, not dismissed, you are trying to understand how they feel even if you disagree. The 5 second rule, and changing your thought when you hear a tone, word or event which sets off an emotional trigger, works. When cutoff in traffic, after 5 second countdown think “maybe they’re headed to an emergency,” is a healthier thought for you, than an angry reaction. See Communication worksheet for help.
Bullies at Work
Both Narcissists and Sociopaths show up in all lines of work. Sociopaths are narcissistic but not all Narcissists are Sociopaths. Meetings & office parties like a Narcissist since they keep the conversation going, they’re loud. They talk about themselves & like to use mute during conference calls to control conversation. Narcs are unaware how their unintentional bullying is effecting others, so relationships end badly. Narcs feel like a victim at work when actions aren’t appreciated due to their poor emotional skills. A Sociopath wants to win at work, so they are cunning and long game strategic. A Sociopath may exclude a target from a meeting. Use manipulation to get out of work, lie and thwart others to get what they want at work. Sociopaths are aware of their desire to have power and win over others. See Dr. Ramani Medcircle.com video on the difference.