Taking action to feel powerful in your life, will not be easy. Denying your feelings of shame, guilt and fear are consuming. If you step away from the emotional blackmail you are experiencing, find a safe place of support, you can become a survivor of the abusive people in your life. Know that you matter even if you have been treated like you’re inferior. Know everyone deserves to be respected and find your courage to be imperfect and compassionate to yourself. Don’t refuse to see how bad something is until it destroys you. Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I re-built my life. -JK Rowling See this great Ted Talk on Resiliency by Lucy Hone.
Co-dependent vs. Sociopathic Parent
Children of Malignant Narcissists or Co-dependents, may become Co-dependent or Narcissistic. Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Psychopathy are genetic but narcissism is learned. A Co-dependent parent is the helicopter parent. Rescuing their children, trying to control their environment & putting their child’s needs above their own. Some children then learn to disrespect themselves and others by feeling entitled to special treatment. Some also may lack confidence to be independent from their parent. A Sociopathic parent puts their needs above the child’s and controls them. The child learns their okay only if their parent is okay with them. Experts agree that children who are over indulged or neglected by a parent, are more likely to become narcissistic. A child of a Sociopath may have had to survive their environment. They knew they had to take care of themselves & were devalued. These children are told to numb their own feelings to take care of the parent’s needs. The co-dependent parent is praising & doing for the child too often. Admiring the superficial, such as their child’s appearance or status, teaches a poor value. Allowing a child to navigate their world’s challenges, along with clear boundaries, builds confidence, independence and respect. See Dr. Phil’s video on Fitness of a Parent.
10 Factors to Determine The Fitness of A Parent from Dr. Phil
What Dangerous People Say & Do
In partner relationships, abusers give red flags. They confide in you immediately to rush intimacy. They “love bomb” you & move in quickly. Their conversation is “off.” Sociopaths/Psychopaths are child like emotionally and cannot change. Red flags are their talk on food, houses & status. They’re materialistic and you may be thrown off on how smoothly they speak. What they say to others on a first meeting deviates from the norm. You may think, “why would she tell them that,” since its not normal conversation. Abusers do this as a bid for sympathy to move onto the next stage of manipulating you. Once you’re hooked, abusers start making odd asides about you. Such as, “you’re the smartest one in your family.” This is a passive aggressive way of putting down you and your family. Abusers become superior over you; using their speech to talk about their education, the money they made, the house they want. Little jabs & then gaslighting you into isolation so they can control you. You’re eating what they want, living where they want, seeing only the people they want you to see. Watch this short video by Jordan Peterson -How Narcissistic Psychopaths Fool You.
Teach Empathy & Communication Skills
To be the Anti-Bully, we need to recognize the emotional triggers that create poor communication. Reviewing Mel Robbins 5 second rule, is a great resource when you are feeling the need to fight or flee a difficult talk. Co-dependents use the flight/passive strategy of communication. We believe we’re not okay unless the other person is okay. Bullies use the fight/aggressive strategy when having an emotionally triggered talk. An example is they’re cutoff in traffic. Instead of counting down from 5 before reacting, they lash out verbally/fight. They think, “I’m okay, you’re not.” The most effective communication technique is the Assertive, “I’m okay, you’re okay.” The Assertive strategy is when you are respectful, even if you disagree with a person. You are in emotional control. When you are in fight/flight mode, your communication is ineffective. Having empathy, “I hear you, I understand what you’re saying, I get that,” puts the other person at ease. You respect them. People are more open to your thoughts if they feel they are heard, not dismissed, you are trying to understand how they feel even if you disagree. The 5 second rule, and changing your thought when you hear a tone, word or event which sets off an emotional trigger, works. When cutoff in traffic, after 5 second countdown think “maybe they’re headed to an emergency,” is a healthier thought for you, than an angry reaction. See Communication worksheet for help.
Bullies at Work
Both Narcissists and Sociopaths show up in all lines of work. Sociopaths are narcissistic but not all Narcissists are Sociopaths. Meetings & office parties like a Narcissist since they keep the conversation going, they’re loud. They talk about themselves & like to use mute during conference calls to control conversation. Narcs are unaware how their unintentional bullying is effecting others, so relationships end badly. Narcs feel like a victim at work when actions aren’t appreciated due to their poor emotional skills. A Sociopath wants to win at work, so they are cunning and long game strategic. A Sociopath may exclude a target from a meeting. Use manipulation to get out of work, lie and thwart others to get what they want at work. Sociopaths are aware of their desire to have power and win over others. See Dr. Ramani Medcircle.com video on the difference.
Self Esteem=Act Helpful and Be Thankful
Studies show, that people who have the most happiness, choose to be happy through their thoughts and then actions. Self esteem comes from esteem acts. Helping and connecting with someone else, will help you feel more positive. Identifying opportunities where you can grow by being vulnerable is crucial to moving past a challenging situation. Put yourself out there. Do something that isn’t comfortable, that you might not be good at, you will remember was a time of self-esteem building in you. Each day focusing on something that you are thankful for is powerful. Neil Pasricha’s Ted Talk is an awesome video on being your authentic self and focusing on the positive.
Changing Your Thoughts
Mel Robbins at melrobbins.com has a 5 second rule for changing your negative thought patterns and moving forward. Mel also talks about logging your negative thoughts and having you recognize how that thought gave you a bad feeling. Were you feeling controlled by someone’s words or actions & how did you react? Was the thought distorted? Then change your thought with a more helpful thought instead. If your thought is, “I’m always criticized,” instead think, “I’m not going to let this thought slow me down today.”
You cannot change a Sociopath/Psychopath
Sociopaths/Psychopaths have the mental condition of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Some Overt Sociopaths are easy to spot: Hate group members, Mafia & gang leader ties, dictators, cult leaders, pedophiles. Some are covert; they appear charming and successful. In the book, The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, Ph.d., 1 in 25 Americans has no conscience and can do anything to gain power over people without feeling guilty, a Sociopath. Most domestic abusers are either Narcissistic or Sociopathic. Noemi Maritnez says, “A Man With No Conscience, No Goodness, Does Not Suffer. ” You should not argue with them, they are expert manipulators and will make you look bad to make themselves appear good. They lie. They will align people against you & isolate their victims to control them. See this You Tube Video on The Best Way of Dealing With A Sociopath.
Empathy vs. Entitlement
The hallmark traits of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Sociopaths are they lack empathy for others and feel entitled. Empathy is the desire to understand emotions of someone else, to respond to that person and then be self reflective. How will this person feel if I say or do that? An entitled person believes they deserve special treatment and are arrogant about it. Obvious examples are when abusers are in restaurants and they are rude to wait staff or they are a guest in someone’s home and expect special meals. They see themselves as superior over others so they make unreasonable demands on you , expecting you to put everything aside to meet their needs. They will not be satisfied no matter how hard you try because they lack empathy by dismissing your feelings and needs. See this short video on 6 Signs of A Toxic Person In Your Life.
Is Facebook Helping or Hurting You?
If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass. -Warren Buffett Are you allowing Facebook bullies to abuse you? If you are feeling negative emotions when you view Facebook, recognize it and do something else that makes you feel good. Tuning into positive mindful thoughts and finding something you can be thankful for each day, is a healthier choice. Choose to do things in your life that help you. See this link on bullying help. https://www.mhanational.org/sites/default/files/BACK%20TO%20SCHOOL%202014%20-%20What%20To%20Do%20If%20You%20Are%20Being%20Bullied.pdf