The fact that you have taken the time to learn more about overcoming being bullied, you know you matter. Don’t diminish what you do and your value to this world. Difficult times will come but they will pass and a brighter day will shine through. Focus on what you can control in your life and take steps each day to make the lives of others bright. A purpose in life, even small efforts each day to make someone else feel valued, will build your confidence in yourself. You’ve taken the first step today. Watch this amazing video by Hannah Grace Spangler and recognize you are not alone in your self doubt but you can overcome.
I Think Ageing Is An Extraordinary Process Whereby You Become The Person You Always Should’ve Been-David Bowie
How do we go from feeling powerless in life to feeling powerful? How do we learn to believe in ourselves and gain confidence? How do we not let others define us and bring us down? How do we find the courage to be our true selves? Emily Jaenson’s TEDxTALK describes the steps she took to increase her confidence and be the anti-bully by celebrating others successes and growth as well as her own.
Be A Friend To Make A Friend
Build your self esteem by doing for others. If you’re like me and shy, get out of your comfort zone. Put yourself out there. Volunteer at a cause you believe in. Travel some where alone, even if it’s just a place nearby. Join a new group. Above all, be kind because kindness changes everything. All you need is one true friend, a person who has your back whenever you need an embrace. A friend can be your relative, neighbor, teacher, boy or girl. What matters is that you are there for them in their times of need and they will be there for you. Become a better listener than talker. You learn by listening. If you are truly interested in sharing the same soul with someone, you will find your friend and be one together. See Steve Harman’s Kindness 101 episode on Friendship.
When A Bully Can No Longer Control You, They Will Instead Try To Control How Others See You
Have you ever had the bully in your life welcome a new person into their group? You’re confused, why are they acting all nice to this new person when they are so unkind to you. They’re holding this person’s hand, that’s weird. It’s manipulation, trying to get others on their side. He’s so nice to new people, he couldn’t really be a bully with a plan. The plan is to confuse the bully’s victims. Innocent and kind people are not stupid. They just think everyone has a good heart. Whether the bully is mean to you behind closed doors or right out in the open, they gain power by getting others on their side. Behind your back, the bully will try to change people’s minds about you. They will tell lies about you or mock you in front of people they are trying to control. Others are afraid of the bully or buy into their fake disguise, so they won’t come to your defense. You can’t control others behavior or how other people feel. You can only change YOUR reaction to negative thoughts which is called Cognitive Defusion. An example, I’m having the thought that the Bully is making me feel like a loser. Just because I’m thinking that thought doesn’t mean that it is true. Instead, think the thought, “what would a kind friend say about me” so that you buy into a good thought about yourself not the thought the bully is trying to put on you. See this video from Therapy in a Nutshell titled, “Intrusive Thoughts and Overthinking: The Skill of Cognitive Fusion 20/30” to learn how to stop getting stuck in negative thoughts about yourself.
See The Bully As An Opportunity For You to Grow Your Resilience Muscle and Reframe Situation
Heather R. Younger wrote an article about the power of reframing our current situation to see the brighter side. Reframe is to see a situation in a new way that is more positive for us. If the bully is rejecting you, making you feel smaller by being unheard and unimportant, see this challenge as an opportunity to grow and become larger and more confident. By building your confidence in yourself, by taking actions that will make you feel stronger against the bully, you will “reframe” your current situation and grow your resilience muscle. Kirk Duncan’s video gives specific action you can take on How To Stop Someone From Bullying You.
Will My Silence Make Me Proud?
When you hear or see something that you know is not honoring you or someone else, it’s scary to speak up. Will you regret your silence? We can’t just accept the status quo and must overcome our fear when it is for the greater good. This awesome TED Talk by Luvvie Ajavi Jones talks about being kind in our words and actions to be brilliant even though others may not want you to be. Be brave and create “good trouble” when you know you are being thoughtful to your cause or the cause of another. At least you tried to be an “Upstander” even if you are ultimately dismissed.
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head what would they say instead? Billie Eilish
When I read the painful lyrics to the Billie Eilish song “Everything I Wanted,” it helped me to understand that others also work out their bullying experiences through their dreams. When I shared a bullying experience that happened to me to an outsider, he replied, “that sounds like a nightmare.” This helped me see that the shame I was feeling over these events were not my responsibility. Shame is when something bad happens and you allow those feelings to define you and how you feel about yourself. I now try to practice empathy, especially with those that bully others. What is going on with this person? Why do they need to shame, control, and lie about people they find threatening? Their shame for their past actions or the shame that has been put on them by others, does not move the bully forward in life. It keeps them stuck in behaviors of the past that are not helpful. See this short TED Talk by June Tangney about the difference between guilt and shame to stop bullies from having you buy into bad feelings about yourself.
Recognize the Bullies In Your Family and Then Learn To Focus on Your Brightness
In dealing with toxic people, we need to recognize what is going on with this person. Do they suffer from mental illness, insecurity, do they have an abusive personality trait, an addiction or gullible to their own abusers? Especially in the case of a family member that you deal with regularly, be aware of the bullies limitations. You will have a lifetime of misery if you expect a ton of empathy out of an ounce of a person. Acknowledge your cost of being in this relationship and decide if it is worth it. Control is not love. Be aware that as abusers lose control of you, their fear response escalates. What are they afraid of, being exposed so they cannot dominate you or others anymore? My first video from Dr. Grande on YouTube describes family member abuse and the second short video clips from OWN will help you say no to bullies in your life so your light can shine.
Jodee Blanco, A Bullied Student & Her Lessons on Compassion at jodeeblanco.com
I met Jodee Blanco ten years ago at my child’s high school. Jodee provided a talk to students and parents about her own experiences as a bullied student. I watched Jodee confront a child who I was aware was an aggressor at my child’s school. I was grateful that she had an honest conversation with him as well as so many other children and adults that night. I realized as she spoke that I had been bullied at school and had also bullied others. Children who like and love themselves, do not bully. Jodee’s website at jodeeblanco.com provides strategies for both the bully and victims to find compassion as a defense against bullying. Jodee empowers parents to find new groups outside of school where their child victim can find new friends. Bullied children isolate themselves, Jodee gives strategies to have victims stop hiding by making the world a gentler one for them through action. Jodee’s book, Please Stop Laughing At Me, is an honest discussion on bullying which can keep so many from being harmed.
Rising Up With Grace and Love
Brene’ Brown in her book “Rising Strong” talks about telling our story, not denying it. Being brave to honestly tell your truth and recognizing, yes this is what happened and now I get to choose how my story ends, will be powerful for you. In this YouTube video Brene’ and Oprah talk about sharing your pain with those who have earned the right to hear your story and can carry the weight of it without judgement. Victims of abuse/bullying need to find that one person who will meet you with grace and love so you can share your burden. Carrying your pain alone is a dangerous emotional and physical place to be for victims. Conquer your fear and reach out for help to that one person who you know will have your back. Someday, when the storm passes, and it will, you will be grateful that you did.